The decor in my Dining Room is a bit eccentric. Perhaps I'm a cutting edge experimental artist since the ladder in my Dining Room doesn't seem to actually go anywhere or do anything. The table seems a bit dusty so I guess I don't normally eat here.

I can see that there is an exit to the south although I really, really, really want to climb that ladder! Perhaps I'm a crippled Adventuring Archaeologist! I can't climb the ladder because of that accident in Egypt with the rolling boulder trap and the greedy, no-good, unloyal henchman! So instead of climbing the ladder like I really, really want to, I roll

SOUTH

into the Hall where I discover I must be Jewish!

I also should do something about that tree growing through the wall. Although the stocks hanging from the wall add a feeling of Authority to the whole place.

I also realize that I'm pretty apathetic because whenever I try to just leave a place, I respond with an "Eh". Fiddling with the tree and the menorah doesn't accomplish anything, so I head

WEST

into the bedroom.

I'm confronted with my bed and my dresser which I lovingly refer to as my 'draw'. I 

EXAMINE BED

because I must also be Russian. Studying the bed, I notice a trapdoor in the floor which I should have known about but didn't! The only explanation would be that THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE! So I'm actually a Crippled Russian Apathetic Adventuring Archaeologist who loves breaking into Jewish homes! I hope I'm not deranged! That might explain the ladder though. It would be cruel of myself to have that in my own house where I'd have to look at it every day over breakfast and longing to climb it to see what was at the top of it.

I examine the draw just in case it might be booby-trapped and notice that it will open! Well, I guess I should

OPEN DRAW.

After opening the drawer, most people would naturally look inside to discover its contents but not me! No, I'm apathetic, remember? Eh. The drawer is open. Ho-hum. But I should probably look inside anyway so I

EXAMINE DRAW

and find a key! That will probably come in handy so I

TAKE KEY.

I wonder if the trapdoor leads to the Aztec Tomb so I spend a number of turns typing lots and lots of logical directions to get me inside that trapdoor but they all fail. Then I remember I'm Russian and should probably speak like an ESL Russian if I'm going to get anything done. So I

GO TRAPDOOR

and find myself in the cellar!

There is a Red Cloak here and a bird house hanging from the ceiling. I take a close look at the cloak and feel a sense of power! Well, I should probably

TAKE CLOAK.

I search the cellar for any secret passages or hidden items but don't seem to find anything. Shrugging, I figure I like power like every other Russian from the Eighties, so I decide to

WEAR CLOAK.

Feeling more confident about my ability to search for things, I once again

SEARCH CELLAR

and this time I find something! A small key that wasn't there before! Perhaps I knocked it loose from the cloak when I put it on. Or maybe the cloak gives me the power to see invisible or very small keys? I

TAKE KEY

and head back

UP

to the bedroom looking pretty stylish in my Red Communist Cloak of Spotting Tiny Items. Once out of the cellar, I have a sudden Russian brainstorming moment and decide to go

EAST

into the Hall and then

NORTH

into the Dining Room. I summon up all of my Russian Speak and

GO LADDER!

Suddenly, I'm in a Loft!

Well, that made a lot of sense! I guess I'm not crippled! I just have a problem with the English language. In the loft, I see an old chest! I decide to

TAKE CHEST

and head back

DOWN

the ladder and then

SOUTH

into the front Hall. Seeing as how I can spot lots of cool stuff with my Cloak (and some stuff without my cloak but why not try with my cloak on all the time now? I hope it doesn't have limited charges!), I

SEARCH HALL

and discover an empty jam jar. I

TAKE JAR

because you never know when you'll need an empty jam jar to carry water around! Breaking out my sweet Door Key, I

OPEN DOOR

and it opens! What a shock! I

GO DOOR

and find I've escaped the house! I'm on a path in front of a building which is probably my house but might be somebody else's house because the game just says I can see a building. Not MY HOUSE. A building. Like I just stumbled upon the place.

Now that I've left the house, I wonder if I'll need to solve the problem of getting a taxi to the airport, buying plane tickets to Mexico, hiring a guide, and eventually discovering the Aztec Tomb! This isn't an adventure! It's worse than The Sims! I can't even close or lock the door to the house before I leave, so I really hope it does belong to somebody else.

Before heading down the path, I realize I'm tired of lugging this chest everywhere so I

OPEN CHEST

and a Sword and a Rope fall out of it! I figure I don't need these keys anymore, so I

DROP KEY and

DROP KEY.

I also

DROP CHEST

for good measure although I'm worried that I might need it for something later. Well, I'll just try to remember that I left it out in the open in front of my house which I left unlocked with the door wide open. I

GET ROPE and

GET SWORD

before heading off down the path which hopefully leads to that Aztec Tomb I've heard so much about. But before heading on toward adventure, I notice the interesting chimney on the roof of the Jewish guy's house and

CLIMB BUILDING

to check it out. I wonder why I was able to climb the building which doesn't really seem to make sense but I couldn't climb the ladder earlier? I think I was right about being handicapped but wrong about it being physical.

Once on the roof, it's nowhere near as interesting as I thought it was but there is a piece of wood sitting up here. I

TAKE WOOD

and try yanking some bricks out of the chimney but I'm not powerful enough to do that. I head back

DOWN

to the ground. Believing I've finally done everything I can (except I'm sure I should have taken the Table somehow too but was too retarded to think how), I finally head

SOUTH

towards adventure! 

And I find myself beside a stream. Eh. Well, this could be troublesome! I might have to jump it or cross over on some well placed but slippery rocks. I decide to cross it since it is only a stream and not a raging river or anything. That's the moment I discover that I can't swim even though I thought I would just be wading! I end up drowning a little bit but thanks to Save Games, it really just ended up being a bad dream or a near drowning fit. I wake up along the banks of the swift and dangerous stream along with the realization that I can't swim. I'm starting to see why the cliché of having memory loss was used so often with these stupid games. It doesn't make sense to suddenly not know you can't swim and then you drown! Especially when the dumb game presents the raging river as a stream!

Maybe I can make a raft, I think, with my rope and my piece of wood that I carried down from the roof. But I can't figure out the proper English way of making a raft. So instead, I think like an adventure game! The stream isn't really small but large and dangerous! So maybe the small piece of wood that I found on the roof and was able to carry as I climbed down the side of the building is actually a giant, bridge sized piece of lumber! I

DROP WOOD

and discover I'm a genius when I think like a 1980's graphical text adventure author!

Instead of crossing my newly formed bridge, I decide to see what lies to the

EAST

because there could be an Aztec Tomb in my backyard! But instead all I find is a garden with a pool in it!

Maybe this should have been called Walk Around My House Adventure? I guess since I'm here, I should

EXAMINE POOL

and see a fish! Wow! That's the best thing I've seen in a game so far! Being that my alter-ego is Grunion Guy, Water Super Hero and Fish Talker, I decide to talk to the fish and get some information about the Aztec Tomb because Fish know a lot of things that most people don't know at all.

"Hello, Mr. Fish," I call out. He just swims around nonchalantly. He probably can't here me from way out here on dry land! Not wanting to be mean but needing some information, I gently

CATCH FISH

in the jam jar! He's so cute and sweet! I

EXAMINE FISH

and he talks to me! He says, "Plants need water and vanishes!" Hmm, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it's probably the best advice I'll get in this whole story!

"Thank you, Mr. Fish", I say as I'm about to release him back into the pool but notice he's already departed. Knowing that I should never ignore a fish's advice, I

FILL JAR

so that I'll have the water to water a plant later! I head back to the

WEST

where my bridge over the tiny stream has been built. I

CROSS BRIDGE

and wind up in a Field with a long iron fence.

I figure I'd better search the field just like everywhere else but I don't find anything. I wander off to the

SOUTH

only to discover more field with a dead mouse. Now I'm sad. And disgusted because I probably have to carry this dead mouse around to solve some puzzle in the future. I sigh and

GET MOUSE

before heading back to the

NORTH and then

WEST

where I am confronted by an angry bull standing in front of a gate that I probably need to get by!

"Hello, Mr. Bull. Can I please pass through?" I ask him politely. But he won't let me pass because he's just too darn angry! I could probably kill him with my sword but I'm already depressed about the dead mouse and I'm probably a Communist Pacifist unlike that Mindshadow game where I was a Violent Capitalist.

Perhaps solving this problem will take a bit of research so I look up 'Angry Bull' on Wikipedia to get a hint.

Hmm. That didn't help any. But that's probably the source image for the Aztec Tomb Bull! It's practically identical if you just imagine the Wikipedia picture pixelated and reduced to 8 bits. Or 4 bits maybe!

The cartoons of the mid to late 20th century led me to believe that bulls were angered by the color red, so I suspect my Red Cloak is upsetting the bull a bit. So I

REMOVE CLOAK

and try to get past but the bull is still mad! So I

THROW CLOAK

to get rid of it completely and it comes to rest in next field! Look at that! I even think in Russian English! Now maybe I can sneak by. I

GO GATE

and I'm through! I find myself in a field of manure where a tiny little Charlie Brown tree is growing next to my discarded Red Cloak. I remember what the fish told me, so I

WATER PLANT

and it begins to grow! But nothing really changes so I probably need to make it grow more. I need more water to do that. I head

NORTH and then

EAST

where I can see a bit of the raging stream. I

FILL JAR

and head back to water my plant some more. So I trudge off

WEST,

GO GATE, and

WATER PLANT

one more time. Wow! It grows into a giant BEANSTOLK!

I suppose I'm supposed to suppose to climb it, so I

TAKE CLOAK

and go beanstolk! Oh, sorry! 'Go' doesn't work this time. I guess I

CLIMB BEANSTOLK

and end up at the top of a BEANSTORK?!

Waiting for me at the top of the Beanstork is a railroad and a dead elephant (as you can see from the picture).

I guess this game was based on Looney Tunes cartoons because I also know, from cartoons, that elephants are scared of mice! And what would scare a Dead Elephant more than a Dead Mouse? Possibly a living lion but how should I know? I'm not a paleobiolozoogist. I

THROW MOUSE

and the elephant runs off in shock! I thought shock was supposed to make people freeze up? I guess elephants are more differenter from people than I thought. Also, English is hard when you're trying to think like an 80's Bond Villain! I pick up the mouse before I

GO PATH

because I've named him Slinky and become super attached to the little fellow.

Walking along the path, I saw a valley below me. I would post a picture of it here but I should probably save something for people who actually want to play the game. Especially this picture since it is by far the best of the bunch. I

GO VALLEY

and suddenly I'm in a valley! I feel like someone just threw a dead mouse at me! I decide to head

SOUTH

and find myself by a tree. How descriptive and interesting. A tree in elephant heaven! I wonder what wonders might be hiding in this tree.

I try to go tree but can't. I try to go up but can't. I try to climb the tree but find the tree is too slippy! Well, I have a rope, so that should help. I

THROW ROPE

and it catchers, it's secure! Now I can see a hanging rope here, so maybe the next step is to kill myself since I'm currently in heaven anyway. I still want to live so instead I just

CLIMB ROPE

and end up in a treehouse where a dwarf is currently living with his box.

Unless he's a Box-Dwarf?

I try to take his box because everything in an adventure game is ultimately mine (especially since I currently have a sword on me!). But he wants something in return!

I don't have much on me that I'm willing to part with so I

GIVE CLOAK

figuring it's got to still be useful for something since the game probably wanted me to leave it behind instead of throwing it past the bull! It works! The Dwarf vanishes! Either it disintegrated him or he teleported away now that he was happy. I'm now able to

GET BOX

and head back

DOWN

to the ground. I'll probably still need my rope so I

GET ROPE

and head back

NORTH.

Once back at the valley, I head

EAST

and find myself overlooking a small harbour.

I'm curious about what is in my box but I think I'll wait until I'm on that little boat to check it out since it might give me inventory problems! I

GO HARBOUR

and I find myself on a pier next to a boat with a mound of radioactive waste far off across the lake.

The boat seems to be called the 'S1' which I think is a clue that it will take me to the 'Tomb of Horrors' or THE AZTEC TOMB! I'm nearly there! I board the boat, I mean, I

GO BOAT

and find that I'm on a boat!

I hope I know how to sail one of these things. I decide to

OPEN BOX

and discover a map inside! That should help me. I

EXAMINE MAP

and find that it actually isn't any help at all!

But it does at least mention the Aztec Tomb I've spent all this time searching for! I also

EXAMINE BOAT

hoping to find a motor or some galley slaves but find that it has a Cabin and a Dinghy instead! I have no idea what the Dinghy is for but I figure I should

GO CABIN

just to check it out. Inside the cabin is a torch and lots and lots of storage space for all of the valuables I'm going to find while in the Aztec Tomb! I

DROP BOX 

and I drop Slinky in here also. Maybe he can unlive in the box. Then I

GET TORCH and

GO HATCH.

Back on the deck, I sail

NORTH

where I notice a cute little island in the distance. Or perhaps right next to me since I seem to be able to

GO ISLAND

without drowning or needing a small piece of wood. The island seems to be home to a tree trunk and a square hole cut in the ground. Since I can't go tree or climb tree, I decide to

GO HOLE

and am nearly devoured by a Grue! I

LIGHT TORCH

and see that I'm in a small cave where some poor and adventurous pirate stowed his Life Jacket. I

TAKE JACKET,

WEAR JACKET, and head back

UP. I

GO BOAT

and begin sailing around the lake. I sail

NORTH,

EAST, and

SOUTH

It looks inflatable! But I still can't reach that stupid rope! I notice a cord keeping the dinghy attached to the boat but I'm afraid to cut it because I might get set adrift and crash into the rocks and die!

I try to launch the dinghy from every position in the lake and my fate is always the same! This game, I mean story, is so unfair and it's driving me crazy! I might as well just kill myself and get this whole stupid mess over with since I never even found the dumb Aztec Tomb which I thought I was going to be adventuring inside. So I climb up on the edge of the boat and

JUMP OVER

the side, hoping to dash my brains against the rocks and drown myself. As I'm about to hit the water, I suddenly have second thoughts plus I have some third thoughts where I realize I'm the greatest Water Super Hero ever and have absolutely no hope of drowning when I splash into the water! I sink under for a second and then bob back up to the surface! PHEW! Lucky I was wearing my lifejacket! I think out loud to myself.

Even though I didn't know how to swim earlier, who can't swim in a life jacket? I start to

SWIM

for shore, away from that eerie glow on the horizon.

I see a beach and try not to wonder where the high cliffs and the deadly rocks went as I

GO BEACH

and finally find myself on ATZEC GROUND!

That was quite the journey from my quiet little suburban home to the wild Mexican frontier where spell checkers don't exist. It looks like the tomb is just across this grassy field but I see a forest, somewhere, apparently, and have no other way to go. So I

GO FOREST

and instantly become lost.

But I have the map from the dwarf, so I know I'm supposed to go

NORTH

from here! I quickly emerge from the stupid forest which should probably really be a jungle and discover an authentic ATZEC STATUE!

I think those are normal sized trees next to it, so I

CLIMB STATUE

because I just can't get enough of climbing things ever since I couldn't climb that dumb ladder. At the top of the statue, I naturally find a diamond that was being used as the top of its head, making it look like a really ritzy graduate or maybe just Lord Dimwit Flathead.

Unless the diamond was really being used for his eye. Wherever it is, I

TAKE DIAMOND

and climb back

DOWN

the statue. I then drag my tired butt

EAST

where I'm confronted by a giant wall. Of course I can't climb it, so I do the other thing that I've been doing my whole adventure to solve just about every single puzzle. I

EXAMINE WALL

and I notice an empty socket. And the socket is shaped like a diamond! I

INSERT DIAMOND

and a passage opens in the wall! But I've lost my diamond! That was probably a really valuable archaeological find! But it has opened up the Tomb for me! At least, I hope this is the tomb! I

LIGHT TORCH

in preparation for the moment I've been waiting for all game! My Aztec Tomb Adventure is about to begin! I

GO PASSAGE

and find that I'm finally in the TOMB! And Aztec is spelled correctly!

And, hey, wait! What's this?! You have completed your first mission! Continue your mission in Aztec Pt. 2. RAT TURDS! I've been suckered! I didn't get to have an Aztec Tomb Adventure at all! Why didn't that lousy A. Crowther name this game Search for the Aztec Tomb? What a jerk.