Aztec Tomb Revisited
Brandon James

Grunion Guy

Italicized phrases quoted directly from Aztec Tomb Revisited

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Aztec Tomb Revisited
Grunion Guy

Previously on Aztec Tomb: I, Grunyen Guyski, Water Super Hero Russian Adventuring Archaeologist with a Severe Mental Handicap and an Inability to Swim, wandered about the Suburban Landscape until I finally discovered an Ancient Aztec Tomb hidden in the ancient Aztec Lands which everybody knows existed in the sky at the top of a Beanstalk guarded by an Elephant and a Bull. Having successfully defeated several mediocre puzzles and read the mind of the programmer to luckily defeat several other unfair puzzles, I found myself just inside the entrance to the Aztec Tomb! And now, the continuation of my journey continues!

The entrance to the Aztec Tomb is much tinier than I remembered.

And I think the walls have been painted since I just entered seconds ago. As I wandered into the tomb through the dark passage, I seem to have lost my Sword and my Torch! But I still have a map! I


and it shows tomb stone surrounded by green area. Is that really a map? Is this the piece of paper the Dwarf gave me in the last Chapter? I also have Fifty Pounds which is British Money and not extra weight.

Looking around at my surroundings, I see a drawing of birds head. Yep, I'm still Russian! I head east and find myself in a room with a water spring.

And, for some reason, being the consummate professional that I am, I immediately take a sip of the unknown water and notice it tastes salty. Delicious! It also appears that there are some useless stairs in the back of the room. Having no other choice, I head back to the west and then go


again only to find myself back at the entrance of the Aztec Tomb. Except I'm calling it the Exit this time. Really?!

One minute into Aztec Tomb Revisited and I've already explored the whole tomb?! I notice a sign here that I must have missed on my way in earlier. Apparently it's not the reading kind of sign or else I'm illiterate because I can't read it. But when I examine sign, it says, "Be friendly to natives." Cool! A talking sign! I wonder what 'natives' it means. Does it mean Mexicans? Or the Ancient Aztecs? I'm also beginning to suspect that I'm no longer an Adventuring Archaeologist but just a lousy tourist seeing as how I've got my fifty pounds on me.

By the way, what kind of an Ancient Aztec Tomb houses a well? Where are the treasures? Where are the bodies? All I got was a stupid picture of birds head and salty water! That damn Dwarf ripped me off! This map was a phony and now he's got my powerful Red Cloak!

I guess I might as well start the great Aztec Tomb Adventure to find my way back home now! I can see a forest outside of the tomb, so I see the programmer of this game thinks the Aztec lived in forests also. But who am I to quibble since this isn't the Aztecs of the normal world. These are the Over-the-Rainbow Aztecs. They're Oztecs! Ha ha! So, I head


and find myself on a jungle path. Oh! NOW it's a JUNGLE! In the middle of the JUNGLE path, I come across a huge tree.

I guess this huge tree is different than all the other huge trees because it's growing right in the middle of the path. Which doesn't make sense since the path would end up going around the tree unless everyone who walks the path climbs over the tree and continues directly from the other side. I guess it could look like it's on the path if travelers go both left and right around it. I also notice a spade lying in the path, so I


because the parser doesn't recognize GET which I prefer. I try to dig but I have to ask myself, Why do you want to dig? That's a pretty good question! Why should I? It's not like I'm an archaeologist or anything! Sheesh!

I notice there are some notches in the tree so I figure somebody was chained to the tree sometime in the past and was marking off time. Solving that mystery, I head


where I find another tree. But I also see a cord across the path. A-ha! That's the oldest native/rascally rabbit trick in the book! I carefully avoid the cord and head


I find myself on the banks of a large river. I can see what looks like stepping stones in the river.

That sounds dangerous! The last time I tried to cross a tiny stream, I drowned! And this is a large river! But it does have stepping stones! So, getting across should be really easy. Which means it's a trap! So I head


instead. Having ignored the stones because I know how to use my better judgment, I wind up on a wharf next to a ferry!

Well, that'll make getting to the island a whole lot easier! I try boarding the boat like an idiot and find it easier to just


because my Russian Brain just can't handle too many big English words. The boat takes me to the most depressing island in the entire world!

I'm not even sure I want to get off the boat after seeing this island up close. But I don't have any choice! At least I don't think I have any choice! At this point in my great Revisited Aztec Tomb Adventure, I become paralyzed with fear of tiny islands with giant skeletal hands reaching out of the middle of them and can't leave the boat! I try to force my feet to move by thinking Go Island and Leave Boat and Exit and Leave and Off and Enter Island and Jump Over and many other dumb phrases that were needed for various tasks earlier in my adventure because real phrases and words never worked. So, finally, I just decide to do what a normal person would do and I


It works! I'm finally able to leave the boat which you would have thought would have been one of the easier things to accomplish in reality. That shouldn't have even been a puzzle! Can this game make me hate it any more?

Sure it can! Because randomly in my travels, I keep getting Memory Overflow Errors! I assume that has something to do with Amnesia and an Evil Twin Brother hitting me with a Lead Pipe.

Anyway, back on my island, I'm about to run into even more problems with language! I


(which is somehow different from Look Island) and notice some sand and a boat. When I Examine Sand like the introduction of the game says, I see a sandy beach. But if, for some reason, I do differently than the introduction to the game suggests and I


I notice a message in the sand! The message says, "Ronnie Biggs was ere." Seeing that someone was here and might possibly have been a pirate since I have so many treasure maps, I decide to


and uncover a suitcase! Trying to dig before noticing the message just results in my having a philosophical discussion with myself to dig or not to dig. It makes sense that once I notice the message, I know where to dig. But when a game tells you that by typing LOOK ROOM, you'll find things you can only examine, it sort of stacks the deck against you discovering that you can LOOK OBJECT and have it reveal something different than EXAMINE OBJECT.

Now that I found the suitcase, I'd better



right here if I want to avoid any memory errors! Inside the suitcase is $2500! I mean, 2500 Pounds! I


and decide not to drop anything I'm carrying right now because I'm tired of the story crashing! I head


and find a nice knife abandoned on the island.

This is the other side of the island

This side of the island is pretty boring. I


and head back to the



The boat instantly ferries me across the river and deposits me on the wharf so that I don't have to worry about guessing which verb will get me off the ship this time. I head


and discover a long forgotten village of small mud huts!

Nobody seems to be home and they seem to have left their machete lying on the ground. Even though I'm supposed to be nice to the natives, I


and head

SOUTH and then


again. I'm back at the stilly string and net trap set up by those silly natives. But I'm way too observant for them to catch! I


and then, from the other side, I


wad it up, and take it with me. You never know when you're going to need to cut up a net to make a rope so you won't get lost in the jungle! I mean, forest! I head


right into the path of a hideous snake in the grass! If I try to go past, it might bite me!

But I don't have to worry since I have both a knife and a machete on me! I


and bravely stride past its corpse to the


I think this Machete is a Magick Machete Versus Snakes in the Grasses because I tried to kill it with the knife but just couldn't do it. I guess the knife is only used to


into a nice rope! So that's what I do! I think



to a nearby tree because I'm thinking of heading south into that awfully dense forest and I sure would like to be able to find my way back! I plunge


into the dense underbrush and eventually discover a small graveyard!

Tombstone by Atari.

I see a gravestone which I can't manipulate in any way. But a casket lies unburied here! I



revealing another map! I


carefully from out of the casket lest I awaken some dangerous and malevolent guardian demon spirit ghost monster! I carefully


and discover it's just as horrible and lacks just as much information as Map1. I would like to dig up some of the graves in this area but, really, why do I want to dig? Who knows? I head back

NORTH and then


again. Standing magestically in front of me is an ancient pagan temple, shrowded in moss.

I think that means that the Temple stands like a Wizard and the moss covers it like a showroom crowd. I can't seem to enter the temple or climb the temple or go the temple or embark on the temple, so I guess I'll just have to keep going. Why would I want to explore an ancient temple after coming all this way to discover the Amazing Two-Room Aztec Tomb (A Twomb!)? I'm just an Adventuring Archaeologist, is all. Do I have a curfew? Must I get home as fast as I can? Can it really be that Alligata Software published two games called Aztec Tomb and three whole locations were dedicated to exploring the tomb in both games?

I'm probably going to have to review Infocom's Infidel after this because I really want to explore a tomb now!

So, I look around half-heartedly because mom is really expecting me home soon. I


because it's there and then head


I suddenly feel like I'm being watched! After not encountering the natives the entire time I was in the jungle (but stumbling upon a well-run ferry service!), I think I've finally found them! The sign said I was supposed to be nice to them so I dance and wave and smile and sing. But I don't get any reaction and I'm starting to get really nervous that they're about to kill me! In a panic, I


right into the local airport!

Remember how I was suspecting that I was going to have to catch a taxi and buy plane tickets and do a lot of traveling in Aztec Tomb Adventure? Well, now I get to do all of that fun, mundane stuff, apparently! And what do you know? They're selling a ticket that's good for traveling around the globe! I


and head


to catch my plane to wherever Pan-Am is still flying. My plane ticket cost about 2000 Pounds and then the Customs Official needs to be bribed another 340 Pounds so that I can carry my machete, knife, rope, and casket onto the plane.

I wonder if my rope is still tied to a tree?

Customs also has a custom that travelers must answer two questions before being allowed to leave the country. So the ticket taker asks me, "Name the follow up to Blagger?" and I say, 


because that's obviously the correct answer. Duh! And then the Captain asks me, "How much money did Ronnie leave?" and that catches me a bit off-guard! How does he know about Ronnie? Is he trying to get paid off also? I say,


and cross my fingers that he doesn't try to take the last of my cash. He accepts my answer but doesn't seem to want any of my money. Perhaps he was just curious. I take my seat in First Class and proceed to get as drunk as the free drinks can get me!

The bald business man sitting next to me shows a lot of interest in my decaying, grubby casket and wonders where in Central America I picked up such an authentic looking souvenir. I told him I found after following a map given to me by a dwarf in trade for my magic cloak and that I had to cross a river at the top of a beanstork to find it! He assumes I'm more drunk than I really am and stops bothering me so I can get some sleep. Which I do!


I wake up having been thrown off the plane in Egypt!

This is the Egyptian monument called the Sphinx. Cool! This game must be what they call 'Edutainment'. I wish it were Adult Edutainment.

I can see the three ancient pyramids and a smaller one which must be currently under construction in the distance. I gaze in wonder at the magestic Sphinx and notice a flute lying on one of its giant paws. I figure I'm carrying too much garbage, so I



I'm not much on being a tourist since what I really like to do is explore, so I head


to discover the famous Gahza Pyramids in Egypt. I don't know how famous they are since I've never heard of them!

I guess I'm now on an Egyptian Tomb Adventure, so I turn my attention to looting this great pyramid. I look around and find a loose stone. The stones of the pyramid are pretty big but I try to


anyway and find myself successful! I stumble around trying to get in until I finally


and wind up in a passageway with a lit torch.

Either someone else has been using that loose stone very recently or the Egyptians knew a thing or two about making long-lasting torches! I'll probably need it so I



and then continue down the passage to the


I find myself in the tomb of an ancient Pharaoh but I can't examine the tomb until I take care of the hundreds of deadly vipers living on the floor of the tomb. Either there is another way into this pyramid that the vipers use or these are the longest living vipers in history or else the torch was left behind by the man who comes in to feed the vipers occasionally. If I don't think of something soon, I'm going to be the man who feeds the vipers! I wave my torch about to scare the snakes but they don't seem to scare. So I


at them and they flee! After they've gone, I see a basket with a cobra in it. That's weird. Where did that come from? I guess it was hidden under the mass of vipers.

Recalling all of my television watching experience, I


and the cobra settles down into the basket, enough that I can


without risking being bitten. I wonder why there are so many snakes in this ancient pyramid? Egypt is a scary place!

Now that all the snakes are gone, I'm able to


I see hyroglyphics.

See how that word is in italics? That's because I'm quoting the game, remember? Don't e-mail me telling me I don't know how to spell! Unless I'm actually spelling like a 19th Century British Explorer.

I remember reading a sign somewhere that said to look under the bird's head. So I do. Oh, look. Interesting. A bidet. If I read these hyroglyphics correctly, they say, "Bird head golf clubs penguin, bidet flag helicopter." Marking this important information in my notebook, I head

WEST and then


again until I'm out of the pyramid. I then head

SOUTH and then


in search of another country's Tomb, I guess. Or my way home, perhaps. I find I'm on a desert road just out of town.

The weather is very hot. Boy, I sure could go for some of that salty Aztec Tomb water right about now! I see a pick-axe lying in the middle of the road and decide that will probably be more useful than this old knife. I


and take the pick-axe. I can't wait argue with myself why I'd want to mine something now! I head


past the air traffic control building at Cairo airport. Hey, terrific.

What a fantastic sight! I'm sure glad I was able to see that before leaving Egypt. I head


and wander onto the runway where a plane is about to take off!

Or maybe it has just crashed. I


as fast as I can and somehow scramble aboard. Unless I climbed up into the wheel-well. But I'm no stowaway! I've got a ticket for all the around the world travel I can handle! I try to make myself comfortable and soon the plane drops me off at a hotel!

At the hotel, I'm standing in front of a booking desk. It seems to be manned by a Space Invader, so perhaps I'm on Mars now! I'm probably really tired although I'm not really sure since I can't examine myself (I mean, I can! But there is nothing special to see. Way to hurt my feelings, me!). I figure I'd better


even if I have to talk to a weirdo alien. Nobody responds to me. Nobody gives me a key. Nothing happens except somebody somewhere says, "OK." So I guess I'm checked in! So I, um, hmm,


Oh yeah! Hey, I found my room without a key or card or receipt or anything! Or I found A ROOM! Whatever!

Works for me, International Stowaway and Mentally Retarded Russian Adventuring Archaeologist! Unless calling myself Mentally Retarded is offensive for some reason and then I'm just stupid. Noticing a fantastic pair of skis in the corner of the room, I nonchalantly assume that their mine and rush over to


Meanwhile, in another part of the story where I'm a really, really frustrated game player, this stupid game keeps crashing! I'm never going to beat this game because it crashes over half the time I input a command! Which means that I might have typed the correct command but then the game crashed. And maybe I'll forget to try that command again after I've loaded up my last save. Usually my last save is from ONE TURN AGO because I'm constantly saving the game because it always crashes! You know who I hate? I hate Brandon James!

Meanwhile back to before the last meanwhile, I leave my room by heading


back into the horrible hotel lobby. I head to the


because the big puzzle here is that you have to go north to


before you can get anywhere to the east. It's a really complicated part that most Adventuring Archaeologists wouldn't be able to figure out. But I'm a super genius!

See how the sign says PASS? That's how I figured out the puzzle!

The only thing I'm not sure about is that sometimes at this part of the story, I have 200 pounds and sometimes I have 201 pounds. So I guess I occasionally find a pound on the ground in Egypt or at the hotel or somewhere.

The pass says it is valid twice only which really sucks if you're planning on skiing all day long. Although the ski lift seems to take you to the bottom of the mountain and makes you climb up the mountain while fighting off yetis before you can get to the ski slope. So it's a really cheap and crappy resort and I probably heard about it from my jerko Russian friends who found it amazing since it was better than the Russian Ski Resort which is really just an oubliette in Siberia.

I head

SOUTH and then


just like I said I had to do to get to the ski lift to use the pass I just purchased for 40 pounds. FOR TWO USES! Sheesh!

Oh, looking at the picture, I guess the ski lift actually takes you up the mountain. It just doesn't take you to the top of the mountain where the 80's ski race is taking place. I


and ride it to the top of the mountain. Luckily no police man decides to sillily chase me up it by hopping on the lift behind me and waving his fist angrily. The lift deposits me next to a hole in the side of the mountain.

Yes, a hole. It's not a cave! Do not mistake the hole for a cave! I'm not sure I want to crawl into the hole, so I ignore it for now and head


where I encounter the most vicious and hardest to kill creature of any creature in any adventure game ever!

It looks like a black guy or a ninja already fell victim to its evil machinations! Probably a ninja since black guys don't ski.

It's the vile ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN with a name so long that it constantly crashes the game itself when you try to kill it! I


since I've left all of my other weapons in Egypt like a stupid dodo head and hurl it with all my might, hoping to


Which I do. Eventually. After the game crashes about a billion times.

After killing the Snowman, I find myself in Heaven!

No, wait, apparently it's the top of a mountain, from which a ski race is taking place. The man in the hut says the finish is south.

I'm not going to ask why there is a hut at the top of the mountain or why the man is directing me to the end of the race with compass directions instead of just pointing down the ski slope. I'm not going to ask those questions because I didn't come all this way to wonder about where some guy decides to live! I came all this way to explore an Aztec Tomb! And to maybe win a ski race or two! I


and get out my compass to find out which way is


As I'm looking at the compass, I start sliding backwards down the hill! Flailing wildly, I begin to pick up speed and pass all of the other racers who started before me and are facing the correct way. I suddenly hit a rock and do a double flip, losing both of my skis but landing on the head of another racer! She's really sexy and skiing in a bikini too! And she winks at me and pulls me down to stand on the skis in front of her where we make out the rest of the way down the hill before crossing the finish line first! And since I was in front of her, I win!

First place is an amazing trophy engraved with my name, Guyski! I


and head


with my hot ski babe on my arm. But before we can leave the finish line, her boyfriend comes up and punches me in the mouth! She gasps and then does it with him right then and there! Apparently, I was the villain in this novella! But that makes sense since I am the Russian and even though the Cold War is long over, this game was written during it so I must be the bad guy.

Picking myself (and my cup) up, I notice I'm back at the bottom of the ski lift. Good thing my pass was valid twice only! I


and am back outside of the hole in the mountain. I head


deep into the hole. I have entered a large cave. The floor of the cave is at two levels, separated by a ledge. I guess it's more cave-like than hole-like from the inside. The ledge that separates the two levels is pretty nice also. I guess the two levels could have been separated by a chasm or a cloud or a wall of ivy. An old rope hangs over the ledge so I try to


and the rope stays in tact. That was lucky. It sure was lucky! I'm glad the rope didn't stray into thoughtlessness. There is a message on the wall it says MR MARTIN.

That's quite the message! It's also quite the run-on sentence! Or maybe it's not quite a run-on sentence but more of just a really dumb punctuation error.

I wonder if the message is for me or for MR MARTIN? Or maybe MR MARTIN left the message for me? What a mystery! I also notice I can leave the cave by heading westh. So I try to head westh and end up with an ?out of memory error! That'll teach me to be a wise guy! I head


toward the exit and notice a small key lying in the dirt. I wonder who this belonged to? Probably me. I


and leave the cave to the


From the exit of the caves you can see a town at the base of a mountain.

It's hard thinking in English when you're used to speaking Communist. And I'm not so sure that's a town down there. It might be a spleen or a gall bladder. I


and find myself walking along a street in the town. A drunk man comes up to me. He wants to pour a drink. I bet he does!

"Get away from me, you filthy beggar!" I scowl! I try to throw the rock at him but my fingers are too frozen from my mountain hiking in clothes meant for the tropics and I


at my feet.

I offer him my skis to leave me alone but he doesn't want them so I


because I'm tired of wearing them around. The bum makes his weird drinking gesture again and paws at me.

"Do you know who I am?" I shout! "I'm the big winner of the Ski Race run by that hermit at the top of the mountain!" When I wave my cup at him, he gestures wildly and grabs at it with his grubby mitts.

"Fine! If it'll get you to leave me alone!" I cry as I passionately


to the wino. He tries to give me an old bottle opener in trade but his hands are shaking so badly, he drops it. I sigh and bend over to


This must be his prize possession! I hope he's already opened his wine because I'm not trading back! I run


to avoid any more interactions with him and find myself inside the high street bank. There is a deposit desk inside, and an an attendant sitting there.

I hope the attendant can help me.

"Sir, can you give me money?" I ask him. He shoo shoo or poo poos me and gesticulates at a pile of deposit boxes.

Since I know what to do with Deposit Boxes from my time spent as a wealthy amnesiac, I


with the small key I found in the cave. Inside is another map. I


It shows the coast with x in the sea. TREASURE! I bet that's what I've been looking for this whole time! I probably discovered that the map I found in the Aztec Tomb was going to lead me to a bunch of other maps that would lead me to the secret hidden treasure of the Aztecs! One of the greatest Aztec Warriors of all time probably ventured forth from the safety of his ancient millennium (because he was a TIME WARRIOR!) and hid the maps all across the world. And only the greatest and most stubborn Adventuring Archaeologist (one who didn't mind having to continually restart his adventure due to ?memory overflow problems!) would be able to figure out all of the clues!

But I realize as I try to board the plane at the Geneva Airport that I must not be the Genius Archaeological Adventurer I thought I was. Because the game keeps on crashing and I just can't GO PLANE no matter how hard I want to. At first the game kept crashing on a syntax error which I fixed and then played through the game all over again with the fixed line of code (Line 58040, by the way. It should be:

58040 if z=0 and y = 0 then 58030

The original code had an extra z in there on the and.

Anyway, the game keeps crashing and the game sucks and I've spent way too much time trying to work through all the stupid errors anyway. I quit and return home to Russia!


As an old man, I see a news report in a newspaper about an Indian Man who discovered the greatest treasure ever known by following a series of clues until he figured out he needed to dig inside the Aztec Tomb underneath the Bird's Head Drawing! Hey! Why didn't I think of that?! I was only told to do that by a sign on the temple in the jungle and I tried it but ended up not digging because WHY WOULD I WANT TO DIG?


I throw the newspaper into the garbage and go into my bedroom where I hang myself with my rawhide whip.



Copyright 2006 NA!P






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