Alien Research Centre
Shaun McClure and Ian & Tom Smith

Grunion Guy

Italicized phrases quoted directly from Alien Research Centre

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Grunion Gun!

My name is Grunion Laser! I'm a Space Explorer! I've become stranded aboard the Alien Research Centre for some reason! I'm sure the reason is really, really exciting! It was probably aliens with Space Madness that escaped their cages because my co-worker turned into a serial killer and thought it would be best if the aliens in the research pen were free! (Hey! I was pretty much right! See HERE!) It's really hard to make a long sentence continue to get more and more exciting so that the exclamation point at the end is effective!

So, here I am, doing my best to carry out sufficient repair work to enable me to return both the ship and myself to the safety of EARTH! I sure hope I don't meet up with too many "Security Androids" or "Freez-Beasts" or "Giant Maggots" or "Garganadons"! But if I do, I've got my trusty Decimator Cannon to blow their stupid alien heads off! Except the security androids because their heads are metal and not alien! All I know is I have to get to the bridge and activate the Emergency Homing Device so that the ship can arrive safely home and I can collect my $500,000 reward!

You'll be seeing a lot more of these mirror image rooms!

I guide my ship into the Docking Bay and step aboard the Alien Research Centre, or A.R.C.! I think this is some sort of Noah type space metaphor! Bathed only in the glow of emergency lighting, the bay holds obscure forbidding shadows! I notice nothing special! Except for maybe the obscure shadows! And those green boxes! What are those?! Might they not possibly be aliens?! I make sure I'm packing my trusty Decimator Cannon and head off to explore the ARC!

I begin exploring by heading


I'm not sure why I wasn't given blueprints of the ship for my job! That would have made it much easier to find the bridge!

Hee hee! Dr. Goebbler!

I wind up in Doctor Goebbler's office! All appears normal except that there's no sign of the occupant! Oh, and the hole in the ceiling probably wasn't put there originally! I


and find the Doctor's ID Card! That's pretty exciting, right?! I also think I might be Russian since I don't understand the word 'the'! I mean, I don't understand word 'the'! Pretend I never used word 'the' previously, please! With card, I can now access areas of ship where only Doctor was allowed before! What was Doctor Goebbler up to, anyway?! I bet he was experimenting on Alien races! I bet he made them more dangerous!

I bet horrible monsters lurk in that hole so I head back


into the docking bay! I continue


and discover Biolab! Once full of chemicals of various hues, it now stands dim and empty!

It still seems to contain some chemicals of various hues!

Lying on floor, I find titanium scalpel! I


This should make my Doctor disguise more believable! It seems weird to me that Biolab and Doctor's Office can only be entered by going through Docking Bay! Lousy British Union Ship Builders! I head back

SOUTH and then


I find myself standing within a plazsteel corridor! Air is stagnant and heavy, oxygen pressure must be down!

What does the Giant Maggot turn into?!

I notice Giant Maggot! I try shooting it with my Decimator Cannon but Giant Maggot is too agile! It dodges all of my laser blasts! Incredible! So I pull out my Titanium Scalpel and I


It vomits blood and shrivels up! I've just killed my first alien beasty! I hope nobody minds if I return ARC a little more RC than ARC! Maybe if I keep my own Research Notes, nobody will mind! Just a second as I write down note!

Giant Maggot: Agile! Can dodge light speed laser blasts! Cannot dodge human stabbing movement! Vomits blood! Shrivels!

Now I'm not only Mercenary! I am also Scientist! Oh, and Doctor! I head


into Crew Quarters *1!

You could have twice the crew if you installed bunk beds!

It's deserted, but there's a trail of dried blood on the floor! Plainly a struggle took place here! Somebody lost their pliers so I


Since I seem to have problem with English and don't understand bed or dresser or drawer or pillow or blanket or safe or cabinet, I leave room unsearched and head back

SOUTH and then


again! I'm now in Crew Quarters *2! A foul stench of rotting flesh hangs in the air, making my stomach turn over! I notice a matter disrupter! Maybe it is good thing I can't open cabinet! I


and notice it has small switch on front marked 'Activate'! I head back

NORTH and then


down the corridor! I arrive at the eastern end of the corridor! I don't like these places, too many sides to be attacked from! Of course, if I was up in vents, I wouldn't have to worry about attack from all sides! That reminds me of hole in Doctor's ceiling! If things get too dangerous, I will go back and climb around up there! For now, I head east!

I find myself in Vac-Tube. It is fast method of moving from one level to another, using anti-grav beams!

If it uses Anti-grav beams, why call it a Vac-Tube?

I notice a broken wire! I think Vac-Tube is broken until I get wire fixed! So I probably should not enter it! I head back out to corridor and go


I find I'm in Chemilab! Monitor screens stare blankly and the silence is deafening! I notice some flux! I don't know what Flux is but it sounds very futuristic! I examine it and luckily it has instructions: Used in conjunction with an iron it's useful for repair work! Aha! If I can find iron, I should be able to repair Vac-Tube! I


and look at map I make myself! Hmm, I wonder, am me Russian or Caveman?! I bet being Caveman in future would be more exciting than Russian which has been done to death! And being a Caveman, the only work I found I could do after being unfrozen in this future world was mercenary work! I probably fought lots and lots of dinosaurs! So how different can it be fighting aliens?! I already fought and defeated the giant sized upgrade version of the Maggot! That's right! It's true! I remember clearly now! I AM a Caveman! Space travel must make your memories all wonky! But now that me am know who me am, me ready to save world! Or at least save metal house which fly through space sky! Me am head back

NORTH and then

WEST and then

WEST and then

SOUTH and then


because me am not afraid of what be up in hole now! Me smash it good with Decimator Cannon!

Woven reed grating is far superiour to metal.

Me find me now crawling along vent! It chokingly dusty here, the air conditioning must've failed long ago! I notice rubble covering exit! Interesting that I suspect vent used for air conditioning and not heat! In space, I think heat more important than air conditioning! Or maybe vent probably just used to move Oxygen around in ship! Because in Space, Oxygen most important thing! Oh, also pressure! Pressure very good too!

Smashing rubble with hands and head not work so good! So me use technology to get past! Future wonderful place! Me


next to rubble! Next me


to activate disrupter! Then me skeedaddle


hole before me disrupt body and head matter! Me hear an ear-shattering boom and whole ship shake and dust fall down from hole in ceiling. Me poke head back


into hole and notice that rubble am gone for good! Me can now go


along vent so me do that! Me am find me in new part of vent!

Atmosphere is chilly, and dampness pervades the cramped space! Me notice air grill and small door! Me try to kick grill out but only hurt foot! So me


so that me can go


Which me do! Me enter Storage Room!

No other exits! So the only way in this room is through the vent! This ship is weird!

It am sparse and strictly functional place, well stocked and well ordered! Me notice void-suit and soldering iron! Me hit mother lode! Two things me probably need! Big strong smart Caveman save day with void-suit and soldering iron! Me



This place not scary at all! Also, now me know me can fix Vac-Tube! Me head


back into air vent now! Me be sure to close door just in case it matter later! Me then go


and suddenly me feel like me in Ice Age! It not pleasant first time! Then I see why it cold!

Watch it, buddy! I've got a Titanium Scalpel in my pocket!

It am a Freeze Beast! Me better take research notes on Freeze Beast!

Freeze Beast: Fills lair with cold! Likes scraps of paper! Agile! Bear hugs anything that gets within its grasp! Avoid at all costs!

Me am think this space too small for me to fight since Freeze Beast dodge my Decimator Cannon just like Maggot do! Me think retreat am better part of valor! But first, me


and notice some numbers on it! Numbers am '2749'! Me try to remember that and go back


to get away from Freeze Beast! Who need air conditioning working when you am got Freeze Beast in vents?! Me go

NORTH again and then


into Doc's office! Then me go

NORTH then

EAST then

EAST then


where I find Vac-Tube still where me left it! Good thing as Mercenary me know lots of things! Me once had to go undercover as Vac-Tube Repairman to assassinate uppity leader of rival nation! So me


and suddenly feel a rush of air! Me think me fix it!

Me hope whoever read me log of me work be real annoyed by me Caveman speak. That serve them right for reading me private words to meself!

Having accidentally been sucked into the Vac-Tube after me repair it, me head


to explore rest of ship! Me am now in Engine Room! The fusion drive is inoperative but still in working order by look of it!

The dials on the left are counteracting the dials on the right!

Me notice smashed Droid and wall mounted cable!

Droid looks like it been damaged by Garganadon! That am sound like something me am fight before! Me not know how to repair droid so me head


into southern Engine Room! It look just like first room but with big pool in center! It look dangerous so me continue


into Maintenance Room! Most of equipment which could be used as weapons seems to have been taken in a hurry! Apparently nobody could figure out how to use the Fire Axe as a weapon! Me


because me know you chop things with sharp end! Me much smarter than Space Scientists! Me head


around Pool and head


again into Engine Room! Me get idea about axe so me test it out here first! Me


and find axe very sharp! It easily cut cable and me acquire a useful rope! Next, me head


into Anti-Grav Tube and then

WEST and then

WEST and then

WEST and then

SOUTH and then

UP and then


where me be back at Air Grill in vent! Me not be able to break grill with foot before but now me have axe! So me


and it broken! Me


because me probably don't need it anymore! Me can now go


So me do that! Me am now in Alien Containment Room!

I'm the monster!

The bare floor am been partly eaten away by some vitriolic substance. Nothing particularly interesting here so me go


Me wind up in Airlock! This not be safe at all! And there be a Vapour Wraith here!

Rooms that aren't a Mirror Image Tally: 0

Now not time for me to take Scientific Notes on Vapour Wraith! Now time fight Vapour Wraith! Me try to shoot Vapour Wraith but it dodge Cannon just like all aliens do! Me not stab it because it Vapour! Maybe I send it out into space! Yeah, that kill it good! First, me


because me don't want to die from space getting inside! Next, me


because me don't want to die from me getting inside space! Now, me


Wraith is sucked out into space! Me genius! Me now


so Vapour Wraith not get back in! Now me make notes!

Ta-da! Vapour Wraith has disappeared!

Vapour Wraith: Agile. Filled with electric charge. Probably drains levels. Not immune to being sucked into a vacuum.

Now that Vapour Wraith gone, me can head


Me end up in another Alien Containment Cell!

So this cell links up with that other cell with an airlock in-between?!

Whatever it used to 'contain' must now be prowling the ship! Me notice a corpse and a jar of acid!

Me decide to


because it probably important! But this another dead end so me head back

NORTH and then


While trying not to spill the acid, me stumble and


Me fall through floor into a claustrophobic passage!

I imagine this inaccessible passage will lead somewhere important!

The walls seem to crowd inwards! Me suppress feeling of panic! Me notice dead woman! Me not want to stick around dead woman for long! Me head


into the Medi-Centre!

Whoever designed this ship loved Dandelion Yellow!

The complex scanning equipment here did nothing to save the lost crew! Me find some medical equipment here! Me



because it probably save my life later! Me also


that let me continue


out of room! Me wonder what Blue Chemical does and then me remember blue pool keeping me out of critical room in upper level! Me hurry

NORTH then

DOWN then

NORTH then

EAST then

EAST then

EAST then

WEST then


Finally me back at blue pool! So me


and the pool is vapourised! Me now head


Me am not in Engineering Supplies!

The room has been undisturbed and dust lies like driven snow! Me notice a large net! Me


and Just like rest of trip, now me have to backtrack back across ship to net Land Shark! Me go

EAST and then

NORTH and then

EAST and then

WEST and then

WEST and then

WEST and then

SOUTH and then

UP and then

SOUTH and then

DOWN and then


Me see Land Shark!

It looks like a normal water shark to me. It's even in water!

Me now catch Land Shark! Me


and shark is immobilised! Me can now get by it! Me go


and enter the Communications Room!

More yellow!

The Comm-Link equipment has been tampered with -- a deliberate act of sabotage! Me notice an SOS Transmitter with a start button! Me


and find an IC which me manage to remove! Me is probably going to need this! Me now head back

NORTH and then

EAST and then

EAST and then


and then me take a wrong turn and go


where me see the stupid Freeze Beast again! Freeze Beast scare me and me trip! Me accidentally


all over Freeze Beast!

Freeze Beast bursts into flames!

The Beast is de-animated! Me can now go


where the Freeze Beast's butt was lodged! So me do that! Me find meself in the Hydroponics Garden!

Garganadon enjoying some spare time on the Garden Deck.

Plants grow and flourish here beneath an artificial sun! Me notice a Garganadon! Me hope he not notice me! Me wonder if me Decimator Cannon going to work for once! Me aim and


It dodges! Of course it dodge! Them always dodge! Stupid Decimator Cannon! Why me even bring it along?! Me aim again for another shot before me die! Me


again and this time, me hit it! It glows white hot and vanishes! Me hero! Me make like scientist!

Garganadon: Not as agile as everything else am! Likes flowers! Extinct!

Me head


and me find me am actually Caveman for certain now because game beginning to speak like me!

Even the plants grow symmetrically!

I'm stood in a huge Agri-Dome! There should be some kind of livestock here, but me can't see a sign of any non-vegetable life! Me notice a high ledge! When me say me in Italics that not actually game saying me! That me making game sound like me! But when game say I'm stood in a huge Agri-Dome!, that game speaking poorly like me! So me justified in speaking like moron! But me not moron! Me just poor Caveman never learn speak good! Me mean well!

Me wonder how me get up ledge but not for long because me am always thinking! Me


and rope land on ledge and hang down. Somehow rope hold in place! Me climb


rope and find myself beside the entrance to the Bridge!

Eat Decimator Cannon, Android Man!

The way me got up here used to be a Gravi-Lift, wrecked by an explosion it seems! Not an Anti-Gravi lift?! Or a Vac-Tube?! Why Bridge only be reached through Garden which supposed to be full of cattle?! Me confused about ship layout! It stupider than a Caveman layout Cave with bedroom by Cave entrance!

Me notice a Security Android. It say, "State Access Code!" Me try shooting Android just for fun because everything else dodge so well. But Android do not dodge! Android just not affected! Me think me only getting by if me have Security Code!

Good thing me looked at papers Freeze Beast was guarding earlier! Me not know why Freeze Beast have code but me not question me luck! Me

SAY 2749

and Security Android leaves! Me now go


Me finally on Bridge! This ship like maze built by drunk pilgrim! Apparently only the most basic ship systems are operational now!

Well, me only need to activate Emergency Homing Device and me job done! Me notice the Console am missing IC thingamajig! So me


and hope me put it in correctly, being simple Caveman! Now me


and the engines roar to life!

Me think rescuing this ship worth far less than 500,000 Future Dollars! Me not sure why me think me deserve bonus! But maybe me do! What do I know? Me just a Caveman!



Copyright 2006 NA!P