The Adventures of Garonian Guy:
Guy checked his pockets as he trudged back to the Inn. "Stupid orcs!"
he thought. "Stupid Elves!" he thought also. "Stupid wind Gods
that steal my hard won treasures!" he thought as well. His journey to
Fyleet had been a disaster. He had been so close to retirement only to have his
carefully accumulated hoard of treasure snatched from his delicate fingers at
the last second. "Maybe I should bring a bigger backpack to keep my
treasures on me next adventure instead of leaving them in some random room in
the dungeon! I'm no better than the dumb dumb Orcs that first raided Fyleet."
Garonian Guy entered the Green Gryphon Inn and was completely ignored by the
serving wenches and prostitutes who could smell a man with empty pockets on
After having slept the
night in the
Stable Boy's stable due to lack of funds, Garonian Guy immediately checked the
message boards at the Easy Breezy Hall of Heroes for Hire for any leads. He saw
one! A promising one even!
"I'm a novice! I don't have
special equipment! I'm an adult! Woohoo!"
Garonian Guy jumped up and
clicked his heels together. "This job sounds perfect! And I'm such a famous
and amazing adventurer (I conquered Fyleet, didn't I?!) that I bet I can find
all 13 treasures way faster than 1 month!" With that said and his heels
clicked, Garonian Guy headed into the forest to make his fortune!
The Forest of Flipperdadee!
Garonian Guy traveled
south from Simplagul's capital city, Easy Breezy, to the Flipperdadee Forest
where these 13 great treasures were supposedly lost. Who lost them? Did the
person who lost them post the notice and does that person want them back? Why is
the plot to this adventure so vague? At least Fyleet had some structure even if
none of it made much sense!
The Forest was boring and
filled with the same trees to climb no matter which direction Garonian Guy went.
He finally headed
out of the forest and into
the Fields of Farming.
That sign is definitely in Yell-Ow-Landian.
Being a bard of notable
stature, Garonian Guy was fluent in Simplagulese, Nopainish, Easylandian,
Hardman, Toughasnailsokian, Dangerouslandish, Deadlandish, and Yell-Ow-Landese.
The sign said, "In many cases mud is good. In others..."
what?" thought Garonian Guy. "In others, mud is great? That's probably
it!" Having defeated a mad priest and a bunch of demons and a dread knight
recently, Garonian Guy wasn't too worried about a dragon. But he knew the
phrase, "Let sleeping dragons lie unless you want your face burnt
off", so he headed off to the
Odd. This sign was in Dangerouslandish!
Garonian Guy came upon a
farmer's non-swimming hole which was too bad because swimming was one of
Guy's best subjects in school. That was a pun if you remembered that Garonian Guy
was half fish. Also his nickname was Grunion Guy. Also also, he preferred his
nickname over his heroic name so he politely asked the omniscient narrator to
begin calling him by his nickname.
"Look at that!"
looked Grunion Guy as he looked in the lake. A *GOLDEN FISH* was swimming in the
lake in flagrant defiance of the nearby sign.
prevaricated Grunion Guy because speaking with fish was his second best subject
in school. Now that you know Grunion Guy is half fish, you can laugh at that
pun! Usually fish have really important things to say but this one seemed to be
stuck up, being gold and all. "Fine, Fish! I'll be back for you
Grunion Guy noticed a
rusty axe at the edge of the lake. It had the magic word "BUNYON"
written on it. Grunion Guy knew it was a magic word because he'd had experience
with magic words in Fyleet.
"I'm really becoming
a well-rounded adventurer!" he bragged out loud in case a cute woman was
standing nearby to hear. One wasn't, so he decided to
TAKE the AXE
for protection. Even
though he believed he was a well-rounded adventurer, he was still setting off on
adventures unprepared and with no supplies. Trusting his instincts, Grunion Guy
and found himself sinking
in a quicksand bog.
This is why adventurers usually have ropes. And companions.
"Well isn't this just
my luck," gloated Grunion Guy as he noticed a *small statue of a BLUE OX*
sinking in the quicksand next to him! "I've only just started my adventure
and I've found one of the thirteen treasures! Whoever lost these treasures
wasn't trying very hard to find them!" Grunion Guy sank a little bit lower.
"Or maybe they're at the bottom of this pit!" He decided to
TAKE the OX
before it (or he!)
disappeared from view. The statue made swimming impossible even though Grunion
Guy's swimming ability wasn't just a learned skill; it was a super power! But he
was a little bit out of shape, so he knew he was going to have to resort to
using his magic word already. Grunion Guy had to
which caused the axe and
ox in his hands to vibrate and disappear!
"Gosh darn it! It's
just like Fyleet all over again! I find a treasure and I lose a treasure! This
adventuring stuff is exhausting."
Now that Grunion Guy's
hands were empty, he was able to
majestically back to shore. He swam past
the *GOLDEN FISH* which continued to look up its nose at him.
"Well, I never!"
snorted Grunion Guy who was sophisticated enough to know that was what one says
to somebody who thinks they are better than you. Angry, Grunion Guy stormed off
where he discovered a hole
in the ground.
I am reading you, sign! You say, "Read me!"
Grunion Guy did as the
sign asked and read it. It was a Help Wanted sign! Somebody needed another hero
to go on a Pirate Adventure! "That sounds like something I'd be good
at," shouted Grunion Guy! "Pirate Adventures take place on the sea and
I am, if I haven't mentioned it to whoever might be listening to my great story
right now or, even better, watching it on a movie screen, a great swimmer!"
Grunion Guy danced about excitedly. And even though he never meant to
ENTER the HOLE,
he slipped over the edge.
"I should have
brought a rope and/or a companion!" he shouted as he fell one and a half
feet to a small ledge overlooking the bottomless pit.
The Bottomless Hole! I think.
On the ledge were some
flint and steel which was truly lucky for Grunion Guy since, as was mentioned
previously and will probably be mentioned again and again on every adventure he
goes on, he has a problem with outfitting himself before adventures. Grunion Guy
made sure to
GET the FLINT
before climbing back
and out of the hole.
"How lucky! Now I can
use this flint and steel to do whatever flint and steel is used for! Building a
Grunion Guy tried to put
the flint and steel in his pack but realized he forgot to bring a pack along as
well. "I guess I can just carry everything! How heavy can 13 Treasures
Grunion Guy continued to
explore to the
where he happened upon a
A tree this conspicuous must be clumb!
Grunion Guy wasn't great
at climbing trees since trees hardly ever grew in the ocean. And even when you
did find a tree in the ocean, nobody ever climbed it. They just swam to the top
and through the branches and nibbled on the drowned squirrels. But Grunion Guy
was a hero! He gathered up all his heroic heroisms and he tried his best to
CLIMB the TREE!
Grunion Guy lie on his
back panting and puffing and holding his side which he landed on after falling
from the first branch. Knowing that the thirty-third Rule of Chivalry was to
never give up, Grunion Guy tried again. He tried several times before he walked
around to the other side of the tree where, if he stood on his tiptoes, he could
see a spider's web with writing on it and a ring of keys. He wanted to
GET the KEYS
but first had to make sure
a spider wasn't hiding behind them or in his hair. He shivered violently at the
thought, especially since he didn't have a weapon to protect himself and quickly
snatched the ring of keys from the branch. He balanced them on his flint and
steel before reading the spider web.
"Chop 'er down!"
read the web.
"Why on Grunionia
would a spider leave a message in its web for somebody to destroy its
home?" philosophilized Grunion Guy. "Perhaps it is a Wizard whose
spell backfired on him and now he just wants to die! Well, I am a hero and I
accept all missions! If it's the last side quest I do, I will chop it
Grunion Guy didn't have a
broom suitable for chopping down a spider web, so he explored to the
in the hopes of finding
some kind of witch's conveyance or a weapon. "Note to self," self-noted Grunion Guy.
"Stop forgetting your weapon when you go on adventures!"
The Place of Paul!
Grunion Guy found himself
in a hidden grove that wasn't as hidden as he first thought since somebody had
already claimed the land for themselves. That someone was someone named Paul and
Grunion Guy was terribly envious of him.
"Look at all Paul's
stuff!" sighed Grunion Guy as he noticed the *JEWELLED FRUIT* and the rusty
axe and the *Small statue of a BLUE OX* lying in the grass. "Hey! Wait a
second! That's mostly my stuff! This Paul is a thief! I'm taking back my stuff!
And his stuff just to teach him a lesson!"
Grunion Guy made sure to
GET the AXE
GET the OX
GET the FRUIT
before heading back to the
to complete his first side
quest now that he had a weapon!
Gazing up at the tall tree
(or down at the small tree (or levelly at the Grunion Guy sized tree, depending
on the budget of the future Adventureland movie)), Grunion Guy spit on his axe
and wiped his hands together voraciously. He picked it up by the non-pointy side
and gave a tremendous blow to the spider web!
*CRAAAAACK!* boomed the
tree with a large cracking and booming sound! Dust and splinters and birds flew
everywhere as the tree toppled over.
thought Grunion Guy as he marvelled at his ability to deforestate. "I
didn't mean to
CHOP the TREE
down! I hope the spider
isn't too angry!"
When the dust and the
birds cleared, Grunion Guy noticed that the tree stump was hollow! "Well,
I've done weirder things than this as a hero!" thought Grunion Guy as he
ENTERed the STUMP.
View from inside a stump.
Grunion Guy found himself in
a damp hollow swamp in the stump. A sign read, "Leave *TREASURES* here,
then say: SCORE."
"That's an odd thing
to find inside a tree that I just chopped down! I wonder how it got here?"
That's when Grunion Guy noticed the passage down into the ground. "Aha! I
guess somebody dug their way up and into the tree and thought it would be a safe
place for their treasure vault! But I am too wily for these tunnel dwelling
treasure hoarders! As I proved previously in my Fyleet
Grunion Guy was a keen
observer because he had learned that if you don't observe keenly, you will miss
the secret places in adventures where hidden things are hidden even though there
were no clues as to where the hidden things might be! In this case, he noticed
the sign was telling him how to recognize treasures! They were the items he was finding that were *extra shiny*! "I guess I'll leave my treasures here! I
hope nobody wanders by and looks in this hollow stump and steals my hard-stolen
treasures!" Grunion Guy
DROPped the FRUIT
DROPped the OX.
That's when he also
noticed a lamp sitting behind the sign. "Thank the gods! An adventurer
always needs a lamp! I really need a squire named Pickle Boy to remind me to
equip myself better before setting off on my adventures!" Grunion Guy
GET the LAMP
into the dark depths.
The Depths that were Dark.
The depths weren't so dark
yet that he had to use his lantern although he did find his first treasure of
this dungeon: a *Pot of RUBIES*! Apparently the *Pot of RUBIES* was too heavy to
carry up to the secret treasure room so the previous owner decided to just stick
it here. "Here" seemed as good as "there" anyway!
Hoping the owner wouldn't
walk in right at the moment he decided to
GET the RUBIES,
even though that would be
really entertaining and might lead to a dramatic car chase, Grunion Guy picked
up the pot. "It's not very heavy at all! The previous owner must have been
very lazy! She probably doesn't even deserve to own these rubies if she's going
to be so careless with them.
ENTERed a HOLE
in the middle of the floor
and was surprised to find a door in the cavern wall.
What is behind the green door?
The door was locked but
Grunion Guy had conveniently found a ring of keys in the tree that had been
blocking the hole which led to the door. "This dungeon must be so old that
the tree grew up from the treasure chamber, lifting the ring of keys off of the
hook where it had been kept so that the previous landlord wouldn't have to
search all over the place for where he last set it down." Thinking this
thought through even further, Grunion Guy was struck with this pleasant thought:
"A tree takes a long time to grow so big! The original owner of all this
treasure must be dead! And that means it's legally mind due to the 'finders
Grunion Guy tried all the
keys on the keyring in the hopes that one of them
Luckily the first key he
tried unlocked the door since it was the only key on the keyring. Also luckily,
the door opened onto a hallway instead of a brick wall which Grunion Guy knew
was a possibility, having been on several unfair and ridiculous adventures.
The hall was dark so
Grunion Guy figured it was time to
LIGHT the LAMP
ENTERed the HALL.
It's less a hall and even less a corridor and more just a
"Why did I even need
to light the lamp?" wondered Grunion Guy. "Every place looks exactly
like every place else! I guess if you live in the dark, you don't need to invent
paint!" Grunion Guy patted himself on the back for such a profound and
intelligent thought before heading
deeper into the
Complex might be the wrong word but dictionaries are
"Complex is exactly
the word I would use to describe this place," exclaimed Grunion Guy who was
less concerned with the lies dictionaries are wont to tell readers. "It has
so many exits that it is not a simple feat to choose the correct one!"
Grunion Guy used language much the way a cat uses a mouse. Because when he chose
which way to go, it was the simplest decision in the entire world! He took no
time to think about it and possibly even forgot that there were other choices as
he picked at the dry patch of skin on the webbing between his thumb and his
index finger and wandered
The Royal Anteroom! Boy, I sure wish I had that dictionary!
"This place sure is
fancy! And royal! I must have discovered a great underground kingdom! It must be
great because they invented paint even in the dark." Grunion Guy thought
about taking notes since this was probably a truly great archaeological
discovery but he didn't bring a notepad along (or anything else, for that
matter), so he just decided to loot the place. Lying on the ground was an empty
bladder, so that seemed like a good place to start even though it didn't have
asterisks around it.
GETting the BLADDER,
Grunion Guy felt thirsty.
He remembered there was a bottle of water in the tree stump which he didn't take
with him because he was holding so many things in his arms that he was afraid of
dropping it and breaking it. Then he might step on the glass since he probably
forgot to bring his boots too. So he went back
until he reached the
inside of the tree stump. His arms were really getting heavy, so he decided to
DROP the RUBIES,
DROP the KEYS,
DROP the AXE
GETting the BOTTLE
of water. He also wanted
some fresh air, so he climbed
and out of the tree stump
and back into the swamp.
The swamp smelled even
worse than the stale underground air since it was filled with evil smelling mud
and patches of "OILY" slime and swamp gas and chiggers! The chiggers
might not have smelled bad except they were covered in the mud and breathing the
gas. "I bet if those disgusting chiggers ever bit me, the bite would get
infected! They're so gross! Good thing I once pretended to be a doctor when I
was a Russian Caveman exploring a spaceship, so I know that GETting MUD will
cure chigger bites! But I shouldn't GET MUD now because it's gross and I don't
need it! Unless I've been bitten by chiggers! Which I haven't been. But I might
have been! And then it would be a good idea to GET the MUD, if you know what I'm
Grunion Guy suddenly had a
great idea for a prank! "This bladder is like a whoopee cushion! I bet if I
fill it with gas, I can put it underneath Teleman the Barbarian's butt when tries to sit down
and everybody will think he farted and we'll all laugh at him and point and
nickname him 'Fartypants!'" Grunion Guy decided to
to fill up his bladder.
"This is going to be hilarious! But first I should finish my adventure so I
can be rich and buy a monocle. Then I can rub my wealth in Fartypants's
Grunion Guy headed back
into the underground kingdom. He
ENTERed the STUMP,
then he continued
Down where he
ENTERed a HOLE
ENTERing a HALLWAY.
He then continued
Down before heading
where he found himself
once again in the Royal Anteroom. It was here he remembered he had been thirsty,
so he took a tiny sip of water and then spit it out. "Bleck! Water is
boring!" He continued to explore by heading
A Royal Chamber. You can tell by the wallpaper.
"Why would somebody
have bricked up that window?" concentrated Grunion Guy. "I bet the King
did it because it looked in on the Princess! He probably got tired of no-good
adventurers getting a sneaky peak at the Princess's frilly nightie!"
Grunion Guy couldn't wait to take a sneaky peak! He wanted a sneaky peak so
badly that he was willing to miss out on calling Teleman "Mr. Fartypants"
for the rest of his life! He
DROPped the BLADDER
because he had a plan that
he hoped wouldn't make enough noise that the King would notice and catch him
taking a sneaky peak or that the Princess would hear so that she would put on a
robe! Grunion Guy took out his flint and steel so he could
LIGHT the GAS
which is exactly what he
KABOOM! went the
distended gas bladder full of gas! KABOOM! went the bricks all over the
place but not all over the place enough to hit Grunion Guy in the face.
"That was close!" thought Grunion Guy as he pictured his helmet
resting on the bedside table back at the inn, right next to his backpack, his
sword, his ten foot pole, his iron rations, and his sexy squire. He didn't
really have a sexy squire but since the picturing of his gear which he forgot
was simply in his head, he decided it would be okay to embellish a bit.
Grunion Guy notice he had
DROPped the FLINT
when the explosion made
him scream shrilly and fall on the ground. He didn't mind though because he
probably wouldn't need it anymore. Unless he took too long exploring and his
lamp ran out of fuel and he needed to use a makeshift torch or something.
"Oh, that more than likely won't happen! Plus, I don't have time to find
where the flint and where the steel went because the Princess might be putting
on her robe right at this instant! Grunion Guy quickly
ENTERed the HOLE
and found himself on a
narrow ledge by a chasm. Across the chasm was the throne-room. "The
Throne Room?! Darn it! I was hoping for the Princess's Shower Room!"
This is a chasm. Sometimes you need to
use your imagination.
Grunion Guy looked across
the chasm and gulped in a way that told movie audiences he was scared but he
would be brave in the face of fear and make it across this chasm. Unless the
scene would be better if he said something funny like, "What an odd place
to put a chasm? How did the King get to work every day?" Was that a funny
enough observation? Maybe when the movie is made, the studio can hire Patton
Oswalt and Louis CK to punch up the script a bit. Then Grunion Guy could
probably say something really cutting in a way that uses really obtuse pop
culture references and/or something about masturbating at forty five with two
children in the throne room.
Grunion Guy decided to let
the future comedians on staff come up with a great line to say when he finally
got the courage to
from one ledge to the
other. It took longer to get his courage than a normal movie runs so Grunion Guy figured his
adventure might have to be a television mini-series. Although if the Princess
was in the Throne Room and he was lucky enough that she wanted to do it to him,
he'd just have to edit out some of the more boring parts of his adventure down
to however long an X-Rated movie was. Nobody in the world knows how long one of
those is because nobody has ever made it to the end of one. Because the acting
is so bad!
Once Grunion Guy did close
his eyes and shrieked and ran and jumped over to the other ledge, he found that
it was already occupied!
This ledge was occupied by the Princess! I mean a bear!
"Yes! I'm finally going to get to do it!"
Grunion Guy dropped his pants so he could
SCREW the BEAR
and finally be able to not
lie when he tells Teleman all about his sexual...wait a second! BEAR?! Grunion
Guy almost shrieked again but then didn't because he realized the bear was no
longer on the ledge with him. When he approached it with his pants down, the bear
was so startled that he FELL off the ledge! "That was a close
one!" thought Grunion Guy sadly and still virginally.
Standing next to where the
bear had been was a *MAGIC MIRROR* eyeing him awkwardly. "I hope you don't
think the image within me is something to be mounted," it seemed to say.
It's possible it could have said that as well while being voiced by Patrick
Stewart. Either way, it was a treasure so Grunion Guy decided to
GET the MIRROR.
Even though the princess
turned out to be a bear, Grunion Guy was hopeful that the princess had a sister
that was not a bear! He
ENTERed the THRONE
room by climbing through
the hole on the ledge.
Those are some snazzy curtains.
"I bet this king was
never assassinated!" remarked Grunion Guy. "This is the most
inaccessible throne room I've ever been in!" Grunion Guy hadn't been in any
other throne rooms before this but he probably didn't mention that because why
would he want his audience to know he's never been invited to any royal parties?
Sitting on the throne was
a *GOLDEN CROWN*! "Even without the asterisks, I would have recognized that
for a treasure!" chirped Grunion Guy as he looked around to make sure
nobody was watching before
GETting the CROWN.
The barely accessible
throne room was a dead end, so Grunion Guy decided to make his way back to the
complex room with all the decisions to make. He went
across the chasm and
entered the hole he blew in the bricked up window to the
He noticed some of the
bricks that he had blown up lying scattered around the floor and decided to
GET the BRICKS
because you never know
when you'll need some blown up bricks to solve a puzzle in a long abandoned
dungeon. He continued
Down and then
until he was back in the
cavern with lots of ways to go. He
the *GOLDEN CROWN*
because it kept poking him
with its pointy bits and it was too small to put on his fat head. "My head
is only fat because it has such a cool and enormous afro on it!" he sneered
at the incompetent narrator. "When my adventure is made into a movie, this
bit won't be in it because I will have the special effects department create a
CGI crown that can fit perfectly on my fat head! But for now, I must continue to
explore because I was told this adventure would only take one month and I didn't
bring any food. So I should probably complete it a lot faster than that."
Grunion Guy eenie meenie
minie moed the exits but forgot how to catch the tiger, so he shrugged his
shoulders and headed
The Maze of Illiteracy!
Grunion Guy found himself
face to entrance with a diabolical maze of pits! "Shucks!" he
swore, sailor-like. "I was hoping maybe, just once, I could go on an
adventure and not have to traverse a maze! It's a good thing I'm unnaturally
good at finding my way through them! As if I already knew before hand which
paths I should take!
Grunion Guy hitched up his
pants (because like the rest of his equipment, he'd forgotten his belt) and
sauntered casually into the maze. He went
North and then
More proof that this is the fabled Maze of Illiteracy!
Grunion Guy stopped to
ponder who Aladin was and if his rotting corpse was somewhere in the maze before
North and finally
to a stream of lava deep
under the treasure vault.
Grunion Guy jumped from one of those ledges to the other!
"Uh oh," thought
Grunion Guy as he saw a slightly woozy bear here. "I hope things
don't get uncomfortable between us seeing as how that bear tried to have sex
with me earlier and I chivalrously refused!" Trying to make conversation,
Grunion Guy looked at the stream, pointed at it, and said to the bear,
The bear staunchly avoided
eye contact. Grunion Guy, a bit hurt, tripped over a sign that said, "Magic
word is AWAY. Look la..". He accidentally
DROPped the BRICKS
which fell into the stream
and blocking the flow of lava. In the empty space in the lava bed was a glowing
*FIRESTONE*! And next to that was a *GOLDEN NET*! The *FIRESTONE* was still too
hot to touch but luckily Grunion Guy still had a full bottle of useless water!
POURed the WATER
over the *FIRESTONE*
causing it to sizzle and eventually cool down. Grunion Guy made sure not to
GET the NET
GET the FIRESTONE
"Two more treasures
because I'm so adept at solving mazes!" Grunion Guy said aloud. He glanced
over to see if the bear was duly impressed but it continued to ignore him.
"That's okay, bear! I'm going to be rich and you're going to die down here
all alone!" Feeling vindicated, Grunion Guy headed back
into the maze. As he
climbed up, he realized he had walked across a *THICK PERSIAN RUG* on the way
through this room before. "How did I miss those asterisks?!" he
interrobanged. This time, he managed to
GET the RUG
before moving on. But
before moving on, he remembered he had learned a new magic word: AWAY! And since
this was a Persian Rug and some guy named Aladin (who was probably friends with
a guy named Aladdin!) had been in this maze, it was probably a flying Persian
rug! "Well, you know what they say about Persians!" said Grunion Guy
having no idea what they said about Persians or that the same book which
contained the story of Aladdin often mentioned that the Persians were pederasts.
Grunion Guy say on the rug
cradling his treasures. "Now all I have to do is
and I bet I'll fly right
to my treasure room where I can get my other treasures and then fly home!"
So that's what Grunion Guy did! At least the first part where he said the magic
word since after saying it, he realized it didn't take him exactly where he had
been hoping to go.
The sun hasn't moved at all!
Quietly, Grunion Guy
ENTERed the STUMP
where he was keeping all
of his treasures. He made sure no sneaky adventurers had wandered by and stolen
his *Pot of RUBIES* and his *JEWELLED FRUIT* and his *Small statue of a BLUE OX*
DROPped the FIRESTONE,
DROPped the RUG,
DROPped the MIRROR,
DROPped the NET.
When Grunion Guy dropped
the *MAGIC MIRROR* on the *THICK PERSIAN RUG*, it lit up and said "DRAGON
"I bet that is a
clue! That dragon out in the field can sting! Well, I'd better not wake it up
then!" Having second thoughts about having to walk all over the stupid
dungeon, Grunion Guy decided to
GET the RUG
to make travel easier on
"I don't know how
exciting the rest of my adventure is going to be from here on out! We've already
had the love story and I've visited nearly every location on set! Now it's
mostly just revisiting old places and grabbing up the last of the
treasures!" Grunion Guy considered how this could be made into a lucrative
movie franchise with all of this backtracking. "Oh! I bet the finale will
be a big fight with the dragon! So we should keep the audience on the edges of
their tip toes by constantly reminding them that the dragon is ready to awaken
and blast everything with fire! And then maybe all the elves and dwarfs and orcs
will go to war while I scurry back home rich beyond belief!"
Forgetting where he was
after all of his plans for the greatest movie trilogy of all time, Grunion Guy
and out of the tree stump.
"Oh! I don't know why I just...I mean, I deliberately climbed up here
GET some MUD
for these, um, chigger
bites!" Grunion Guy said out loud just in case any hot women were watching
from behind the fallen tree. Grunion Guy smiled in every direction and winked at
a bush that looked pretty cute before he managed to
ENTER the STUMP
without too much
embarrassment. "Now to finish my quest!" Grunion Guy headed
Down and then
ENTERed the HOLE
ENTERing the HALL.
He continued to climb
into the tension building
darkness, saying loudly, "I sure hope that dragon hasn't awokened up yet!
Awakened? Awoked?" He almost tripped over the *GOLDEN CROWN* he forgot he
left here because he couldn't carry everything in his arms and his head was too
big to wear it. "I have far less to carry now, so I guess I'll
GET the CROWN
before moving on.
An enormous bee hive. Take my word for it.
"Hmm, I'd better make
a note to hire a decent set designer when we put my adventure on film! This
place looks like it was designed by dummies! Get it? Dumb Bees?!"
Inside the hive was a pile
of *ROYAL HONEY* and some large African bees. "Mmm! Honey! I'd better
GET the HONEY
because it looks delicious
but also because it has asterisks surrounding its name! I'm not sure if I should
GET the BEES
as well since they're
large and African and that probably means I'm intimidated." Being a brave
hero, Grunion Guy scooped the bees into his empty bottle. "I bet they'd
love to have some fresh air! And pollen! How did they make all of this honey
down here in the dark?!" Grunion Guy's back was aching so he decided to use
his rug by
The mud was really
beginning to stink, so Grunion Guy
DROPped the MUD
and zipping away to the
field where the evil dragon was still sleeping! "Maybe it's time for my
dramatic confrontation with the dragon! But first, I should
DROP the BEES
so they can go find
something to eat." Grunion Guy carefully shook them out of his bottle while
saying, "Go on, friends! Fly! Enjoy the flowers! Enjoy your
freedom!" But instead of flying off peacefully, the bees attacked
the dragon which got so annoyed it got up and flew away!
dramatic conclusion! Now the only exciting part left of my adventure is the part
where I sell all of my treasures, become incredibly wealthy, and retire with
seventeen hot wives!" Grunion Guy only said the "seventeen hot
wives" part because he knew a great adventurer was supposed to be sexually
proclivitous. He was actually kind of frightened of trying to do it to just one
woman at one time!
Before leaving the field,
Grunion Guy noticed the dragon left her *DRAGON EGGS* behind. "Oh! If I
take these, I can hatch them and raise them to attack me for the finale of the
third movie of the trilogy!" Grunion Guy made sure to
GET the EGGS
ENTERing the STUMP
where his treasures lay.
Lie. Laid. Lied? Grunion Guy shrugged and
DROPped the EGGS
DROPped the CROWN
before he remembered that
jerko fish that wouldn't talk to him way back at the start of his adventure.
"That fish had asterisks on him! I'll teach him to act snobby!"
Grunion Guy remembered to
GET the NET
before he went
and out of the stump. He
East and then
until he found himself at
the edge of the pond that nobody was allowed to swim in. Except the stupid fish,
apparently! He didn't want to kill the fish (well, he did want to kill the fish!
But he was a super hero and he knew, for some reason, super heroes never killed
no matter how much somebody had hurt their feelings) so he made sure to
GET some WATER
in his bottle before he
GET the FISH
with the net. "Now to
just head back to my Treasure Trove and reap the benefits of my travails!"
South and then
West and then
ENTERed the STUMP.
Tired of carrying
everything because he forgot to bring his backpack and covered in infected
chigger bites because he left the healing mud somewhere in the dungeon, Grunion
Guy began counting out his treasures. He
DROPped the FISH,
DROPped the HONEY,
DROPped the NET,
DROPped the RUG.
Grunion Guy had been
everywhere and seen everything and he was still two treasures short! "This
adventure is impossible!" He sat down and cried. His tears dripped down on
his lamp which managed to
UNLIGHT the LAMP
isn't a real word and then it extinguished it. "I know my lamp is a magic
item," thought Grunion Guy, "But I bet I can sell it for a few gold
pieces. As long as it doesn't rust from my tears." Grunion Guy carefully
RUBbed the LAMP
to clean off his tears.
I think the Genie has bosoms!
A genie materialized from
the lamp and dropped a *DIAMOND RING*! "Hey! You cheapskate genie! You're
suppose to give me three wishes! Come back here!" In an effort to get his
three wishes, Grunion Guy once again
RUBbed the LAMP.
The genie materialized
from the lamp and dropped a *DIAMOND BRACELET*! "Well, I guess that's good
enough since that means I now have all of my treasures! And these chigger bites
are oozing a ton of puss, so I should probably head back to town now. I hope I
can find some medicine for infected Chigger bites!"
Grunion Guy balanced all
of his treasures carefully in his arms and said, "Hooeey! Check out this
He climbed out of the
stump and trudged back to town to sell all of his fantastic treasures. "At
least I wasn't so dumb as to leave them all behind this time! I wonder if I
should mount another expedition back to Fyleet to find another way in. I hope no
other dumb adventurer has found my treasure room and looted my stuff after I did
all the work gathering it!"
Grunion Guy eventually
made his way back to town where he collapsed from the chigger bite infection.
When he awoke, he was on a cot in a back room of the hospital. His treasures had
been stolen and he was left with a huge bill for medical expenses. "Dammit!
Now I need to go on another adventure to pay this off! I don't want my credit
taking a hit! I hear that's bad even if I don't know what it means at all!"