By Grunion Guy

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 CHAPTER FIFTY FIVE
Joseph and Potiphar's Wife, Genesis 39:1 - 39:23.


THE FACTS!

The Ishmeelites bring Joseph down to Egypt and sell him to Potiphar, Captain of the Pharaoh's Guard.

The Lord is with Joseph so Joseph becomes prosperous even though he's a slave.

Joseph's Master sees how the Lord is with Joseph because Joseph's hands prospered.

Joseph's Master puts Joseph in charge of the household and everything he has.

The Lord blesses the Egyptian's house and field for Joseph's sake.

The Master doesn't know what he possesses except for the food he eats because Joseph now runs the whole place.

Master's wife says to Joseph, "Lie with me!"

Joseph refuses.

Joseph says, "Master has trusted me with everything that is his except for you. How can I take advantage of that? Especially since it is a sin in God's eyes. Probably."

Day after day, Master's wife tries to sleep with Joseph but he refuses.

But then one day, nobody was in the house except for Joseph and Master's wife.

Master's wife grabs Joseph by the underwear and says, "Lie with me already!"

Joseph struggles out of his underwear and runs away!

Master's wife calls Master's men to her and shows them the underwear.

"See this? Master has brought a Jew into our house to mock us with his fancy secret underwear! Unless that's someone else. Anyway, he tried to have sex with me and I screamed, 'No, sirrah, no! Please do not fornicate unto me, a poor innocent virgin!' When he heard me scream thusly, he left his underwear and fled!"

Master's wife cuddles with Joseph's underwear until Master comes home.

Master's wife tells Master the same stupid story.

Joseph's Master kindles his wrath.

Joseph's Master puts Joseph in the Royal Prison.

God causes the Prison Warden to develop a crush on Joseph.

The Prison Warden makes Joseph overseer of the prison so that every rape, shanking, and basketball game becomes Joseph's responsibility.

The Prison prospers due to the Lord being with Joseph and the Prison Warden allowing Joseph to run things because God made the Warden to have mercy and crushes on Joseph.

 

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Who are the Ishmeelites? Did you picture them as Jawas like I did?

The Bible says, "And the Lord was with Joseph, and he was a prosperous man...." Does that mean the Lord was a prosperous man or Joseph was? There is a lot of ambiguity in The Bible. I bet that's because The Bible was divinely transcribed and then divinely translated. And I imagine since God knows everything, he knows what subjects agree with which objects and which pronouns refer to which proper nouns and he didn't realize, being all-knowing, that the things he told his Divine Tools (the men who wrote this stuff down) to write would be confusing to mere mortals who don't have the time to know everything. Although, since God is all-knowing, he'd know that his words would be ambiguous to mankind, so it must be some kind of test.

How did Potiphar see that the Lord was with Joseph? Did the Egyptians really believe that this other, foreign God was somehow special and treated His followers better than the Egyptian Gods treated them? Is it because they have a lot of Gods in their pantheon that they can readily accept any other people's Gods?

Why didn't Joseph do it to Potiphar's wife? A lot of the Lord's other Chosen Sons did a lot of worse things than doing somebody's wife. Do you suspect Joseph was just a timid virgin and he wasn't actually as righteous and noble as he pretended to be? I think he was just intimidated by Potiphar's hot and sexually promiscuous wife. Or else she was just old and fat.

The Bible says Joseph "did not hearken unto her, to lie by her or to be with her." What is the difference between these three things? What's the difference between lying by her and being with her? Did she just want to cuddle and he even refused that?

Why would Potiphar believe his wife over Joseph? Seriously, Joseph seems pretty non-threatening, sexually and non-sexually. I picture him as a little skinny twig of a boy-man who only knows how to run a household successfully because the Lord is with him. And Potiphar's wife is a major strumpet!

What was Joseph arrested for attempted rape? If I were a lawyer, I'd quote this Chapter of the Bible every time I had to defend some stupid frat kid from a date rape lawsuit. "See, Judge? Even the Bible knows that women are horny freaks who turn into lying whores when they're rejected sexually! My client is only guilty of being a gentleman!" Case closed!

Was the Prison Warden just lazy? Why would a Prison Warden suddenly give the new prisoner responsibility over the other prisoners? The Bible says it's because the Warden saw that God was with Joseph. But he just met Joseph! Did Joseph have some glowing aura around him and a sign pointing out that he was one of God's favorite Jews? And what about the inmate who Ra was with? Or the inmate who Anubis was with?

How does a prison prosper? Did all of the inmates suddenly clean up their act and get along famously just because Joseph was in charge? Who is this guy, Joseph? He must have been the most charismatic man in history! No wonder his brothers were so jealous of him and his fancy coat.

 

FAITH vs ECONOMICS
Capitalism

Faith
In The Bible, being rich and successful is the best proof that God is with you. So it makes sense that all the noodle heads in America think that God loves America better than any other country because they will tell you the United States is the richest country in the world! But these people would be wrong because in 2008, 13 other countries were better loved than the United States. Since Norway, Sweden, and Finland all ranked above the United States, I'd say Odin is probably more powerful than Jesus Christ. So American Christians better explain this anomaly before people start pointing out that either The Bible is wrong in how God shows his love or God loves 13 other countries better than America. Or God still just loves his Chosen People and all those Christians who believe in Jesus are wrong and better get out the yarmulke.
The Bible also teaches that nobody has to work hard in order to become rich and wealthy. All you need to do is have the Lord on your side and you'll make lots of money. This isn't just apparent in the Joseph chapter but in every single Chapter where one of God's Chosen goes down to Egypt or into another country. He always becomes incredibly wealthy because God is with him. Even the natives of the region end up acknowledging it. So all of the God fearing poor people in America better wake up and realize that God isn't with them if they can't pay their energy bill. Or they better just put down their Bibles and pick up some Horatio Alger books.		 Economics
Capitalists would tell you that competition brings out the best in an economy. Prices fall to supply and demand levels, quality of goods go up to compete with other products, and everyone works hard to make an honest buck. But we all know that competition actually just brings out the worst in people. Cheaters, liars, and manipulators will always be present in the system competing against ethical and good natured people. And if the efforts of the cheaters pays off, other competitors will begin to follow suit because they can't actually compete on the suddenly uneven playing field. Soon everyone is working at the lowest common moral denominator. The incentive (lots and lots of money) is just too great for people within a capitalist economy. And if the government tries to regulate any businesses to keep bad behaviour to a minimum, the capitalists whine and moan that their hands are being tied and jobs are being lost and how can they make a fine product when they have to pay attention to how much filth they're dumping in the rivers?
Capitalism also teaches that those who work hard will always do well. But everyone in America knows that hard work is often incidental to becoming rich and powerful. The equation comes with many variables like who you know, who your parents are, how good looking you are, what dirt you have on other rich and powerful people, how unethical you're willing to be, and whether or not you care if your hands get bloody. The hard work lie is just to make rich people feel morally superior to the lazy and unambitious poor people. But it also helps to keep poorer people under control because they keep believing that their hard work is eventually going to pay off. But it isn't.
The Winner: FAITH!
Becoming rich just because God loves you makes the playing field perfectly level. Nobody knows the will of God so becoming rich is like winning the lottery and entirely random. More people might believe in God if this method were actually true! Although Capitalists would bristle at this idea because then they'd have no power or control over their own financial destinies. But even the falseness of The Bible's system is better than the honesty of Capitalism.

 

 

HISTORICAL FACTS

Capitalists always whine and complain about socialism and how high taxes are in socialist countries. They bitch and moan about the redistribution of wealth and how unfair it is. But then they base their whole economy on the Stock Market which is just another redistribution of wealth. But nobody complains about that because the redistribution is all going into the pockets of the people who know how the system works. These people then tell everybody else that the system works in a different way that makes everyone believe their money is magically growing (although very slowly) in a subterranean place called Wall Street. Meanwhile, the people who truly understand the system are growing their money ten times faster (or even faster than that!). These people who always make money and never lose anything when the market crashes are the ones that pay attention to the market while telling millions of other people to invest in it. But the market only crashes because these people take tons of their own money out of it before the masses get cold feet and can take their money out first. Then they tell everybody to stay calm and keep their money in the market! Which is really bad advice for the people keeping their money in the system but good advice to preserve the horribly broken system. The millions of people who do not keep a close eye on their investments can only make money if the market continues to grow over thirty, forty, or fifty years. But the people who make millions in the market don't just let their money sit. They buy and sell constantly, making millions of dollars in just a few years at the expense of those millions and millions of other people.

Stocks don't have anything to do with the businesses they're tied to. Owning stocks is like owning comic books. Sometimes you end up with a winner and other times, your choices might as well be in the 50 cent box at the back of the store.

I own Walking Dead #1 which means my Stock has gone way, way up! Hopefully, Walking Dead becomes a show on AMC and my stock becomes even more popular.

If starting today, every generation that comes along suddenly stopped investing in the Stock Market, it would collapse. Just like a pyramid scheme, it needs new members and new money to keep working.

This Study Guide will probably label me as a Marxist Communist Evildoer Scumbag. But you should never not tell the truth just because people are going to call you names.

 

ESSAY ASSIGNMENT.
Choose one.

A. Write an essay describing how anti-American you think I am. Or write an essay describing how pro-American you think I am. Or write whatever you want. It's a free country!
B. Explain how the value of a stock is actually tied to the performance of the company. And don't point to Dividends as proof that it works a certain way since most stocks don't pay Dividends.
C. Remind me what this Chapter of The Bible was about.

 

DRAWING TIME!

Draw a picture of Potiphar's wife in her negligee as she shows off Joseph's underwear to her husband's men.

 

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

If you believe in God, you will become rich. Although a lot of the time, you won't become rich but you'll live in poverty in a trailer park. But you'll still believe in God for some reason and become angry at the Government if it tries to give you anything even though God is supposed to be giving you everything and he isn't. Who does the government think it is anyway? God?