CHAPTER TWO
Adam and Eve, Genesis 2:4 - 2:25.

THE FACTS!

A mist rises up from the earth to water all the land.

God forms man from dust. As opposed to from nothing like he did the rest of everything.

God breathes life into man's nostrils.

God plants Eden and puts his man there. Probably the first Action Figure ever.

God made all the beautiful plants and trees grow in the garden. Also plants which are good for food. One tree is the tree of life. One tree is the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Geography lesson: A river runs through Eden. The river turns into four rivers: Pison which surrounds Havilah and is filled with gold, bdellium and onyx; Gihon which surrounds Ethiopia; Hiddekel, or Tigris, which heads east toward Assyria; Euphrates which needs no explanation.

God puts man back in Eden since he must have wandered off during the Geography Lesson.

God either warns or threatens man that if he eats of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, he will die.

God finally decides something is not good.

God recreates all of the animals and puts them in the garden to 'help meet' Adam.

Adam names all the animals.

Adam finds not help meet.

God slips Adam a mickey or a ruffie and takes his rib.

God creates a woman from the rib.

Adam meets the woman and makes a dirty joke. He names her like he named the animals.

Adam declares men shall leave their father and mother to cleave unto a wife.

Adam and his wife were naked and were fine with that.

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Why does The Bible sound like a babbling schizophrenic? Who decided Stanzas 2:4 - 2:6 needed to be included?

Why doesn't God make it rain to help out the earth and the green growing things? The earth has to do it all itself!

Does 'there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground' sound dirty to you too?

How is there enough dust on the ground to make a man immediately after the earth squirts up its mist? Wouldn't it be mud now? At the very best, it would be a disgusting ooze.

Why does God breathe into man's nose? Is God homophobic? This should be proof for Christians that mouth to mouth CPR is evil and nose to mouth CPR is the one true way.

What kind of plants did God deem too ugly for Eden? Which plants would you leave out of your garden?

Today, we don't have any trees of life or trees of knowledge of good and evil. What other trees do you think existed in Eden that don't exist now? Perhaps the tree of philosophy? Or the tree of shameless self-promotion?

Do you think the geography lesson is appropriate at this time? I thought there was only one man and one location but apparently other places already exist, like Havilah and Ethiopia.

What is bdellium? Do you think it's radioactive?

Do you think Adam leaves the garden because God's geography lesson is boring? Is it because he is lonely and looking for something to help meet?

I think 'help meet' means fornication or wife. Do you agree? Which do you think it is? Would you marry a dog? Or a rat?

What names would you give the animals? Do you think Adam named the platypus? What about the Blue Footed Boobie?

What language do you think Adam spoke after just being formed from dust? Were all his animal names things like 'Gaaaahhblarrk!' and 'Floobidublipoo!'?

Do you think God is threatening Adam or warning him about the tree of knowledge of good and evil? Why tempt his newly created man? What a jerk.

Why would God use one of Adam's ribs to make woman instead of making her from dust as well? Is he showing off? Maybe he was mad at Adam for not marrying any of his animals and decided to punish him by making woman. I mean, punish him by taking a rib!

Did you giggle a little bit when Adam said 'Bone of my bone'?

Adam declares that man will leave his mother and father to take a wife. How does he know what a mother and a father are? Is he talking about a couple of dirt clods?

Do you think Adam was not ashamed of being naked because he had a big dingle?

Get naked now. Do you feel ashamed? Why or why not? Look at a naked member of the opposite sex. Are you even more ashamed now? What changes is your body going through? Okay, that's enough. Put your clothes back on, pervert.

FAITH vs SCIENCE
Genetics

HISTORICAL FACTS

An actual garden containing every type of beautiful tree and every single animal would have to be the size of Earth.

Men have twelve ribs on each side of their body which my calculator says is 24 total. It is unknown how many ribs women have since they often lie.

Every time an animal came before Adam to be named, he would say, "I name you Penis! No, no, just kidding!"

The Garden of Eden smelled exactly like the University of Northern Colorado, Greeley, when the wind is blowing just right.

Adam was not a virgin when he met Eve.

ESSAY ASSIGNMENT.
Choose one.

A. Describe what you think Adam's first reaction to meeting Eve would have been.
B. Describe what you think Eve's first reaction to meeting Adam would have been.
C. Develop a scene of a typical day in Eden before anybody had any knowledge of good and evil. Difficulty: No bestiality. Unless nobody knew if that was good or evil. So maybe you can include that if it is essential to the story.

DRAWING TIME!

Based on the Geography Lesson in Genesis 2:10-2:14, draw a map of the world.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

KNOW THY ENEMY

Heathens and Atheists and even many Bible Metaphorists will bring up silly arguments like how everyone must be related and having incest if God only started with one man and one woman. But you can easily put them in their place if you argue from the Bible's point of view and not the generally accepted and ill-spread lies about what the Bible doesn't actually say but people still believe.

If you've been reading carefully, you'll notice in the first Chapter, God created all the beasts. And then God created Man after that. But then in this Chapter, God creates Man and then he creates all the beasts afterward and lets Man name them. Some mouth-breathing Atheists might look at this and go, "A-ha! The Bible is once again contradicting itself!" But the true Bible Literalist will go, "Double A-ha! It does not contradict itself! It says what it says and it only seems to contradict itself if you believe all that hooey about Adam and Eve being the first Man and Woman! But the Bible never said that!" Then you can pull out your pocket Bible and prove them wrong and perhaps convert them to the Faith!

The reasoning goes like this: In the first section, God created all the creatures. Then God created Mankind (not just man). This is very important later. After all this was done and God rested and took some time off, he then returned to his creations and created a Specific Man and a Specific place, known as Adam and Eden respectively or formerly or the latter or something. He placed his new, special chosen man in Eden and created one of all the animals he'd already created to live in Eden with Adam (I'm not sure where the Whales lived in Eden? Was their a Loch? Probably! The Bible doesn't say there wasn't! It sometimes lacks details but that doesn't mean what it doesn't say didn't happen!). So if you read The Bible as it should be read, literally, you would have to accept that Adam was not the first man. But he was a very special Man whom God favoured very much.

This also solves the problem of the Land of Nod and Cain and all of the wives Adam and Eve's children find to marry. They are of Mankind which had been created earlier. But they are not Special. They have been told to be fruitful and multiply and have dominion over the beasts and such, so they are also children of God in the way that Heathens are children of God also but they just don't know it yet. Adam was like a lucky child born to a Faithful Christian Family in middle America! It was easy for him to believe and follow the ways of God! Just because you're born into Heathenry isn't an excuse to remain a Heathen! Read the Bible already!

Now, what if the Bible Metaphorist points out that God had already created Man and Woman but when he creates Adam, he doesn't create Eve until after bringing forth all of the animals for Adam to find a help meet from? Sometimes, the Bible being the way the Bible is, you can't always have a ready answer to lay the rational yet still Faithful smackdown on your opponents! You can only give possibilities and make assumptions with the caveat that you aren't speaking for God! You're just telling people what could be possible but since the Bible doesn't explicate every little thing, it doesn't mean God didn't have a reason for it! Perhaps God wanted Adam to name everything without being distracted by his new Wife's unashamed nakedness? Perhaps God wanted to make sure that the new Man he created wasn't some animal loving pervert! That makes God perfect because when he perfectly made Man, he made Man with Free Will. Otherwise God could have made a Man who God knew wouldn't bugger sheep. But then Man would not have been made perfect in God's eyes because God would have made him without total Free Will! See? In your face, Atheist!