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 CHAPTER SIXTY
The Second Trip to Egypt, Genesis 43:1 - 43:34.

THE FACTS!

The land is still sore from the famine.

Everyone just conveniently forgets about Simeon and sits around in Canaan eating up all of the corn they had purchased the first time until it finally runs out.

After the corn is finished, Jacob says, "Go buy uth thome more food."

Judah says, "But daaaAAaaaAAaad! That Gypsy guy told us not to show our faces again unless Benji was with us! So if you'll send Benji with us, we'll go get some more food. But if you don't, we won't go because that Gypsy guy told us not to show our faces again unless Benji was with us!"

Jacob/Israel says, "How dumb are you dummieth? Why'd you have to tell him about Benji anyway? Can't you keep our buthneth to yourthelveth?"

Judah and his brothers reply, "He asked us specifically about our father and if we had a brother? Did you want us to lie? Is that what God wants from us? To be liars? How could we know he would want to meet stupid, dull Benji?"

Judah says, "Look, I know Reuben made you this offer and you just ignored him because we had so much corn to eat. But now that your belly is rumbling and the larders are empty, can't you see that if we don't bring Benjiman with us, we're all going to die? Me and Reuben and Levi and Issachar and Zebulun and Dan and Naphtali and Gad and Asher and you and Benjamin and, well, hell, Simeon might already be dead for all we know because you wouldn't let us go and we could already have been back with lots of extra corn and Simeon as well if you'd just listened to Reuben in the first place!"

Judah says, "And I know I don't have to add this because I know you'll do it even if Benji just gets one little scratch, but if it doesn't work out, you can blame me forever. And probably curse my children as well, if you want, which you're probably dying to do anyway."

Israel's stomach growls.

Israel says, "Okay, if it must be this way, here's what you should do. Take all of the fruit and nuts we don't actually have since we're all starving but, you know, I'm sure there are some lying around somewhere, and add some honey and spices to the basket because, you know, who needs that cooking stuff when there's nothing to cook? and take it down to this guy as a gift."

Israel continues: "And take twice as much money as before because it might have been a mistake and not a miracle of God that the money appeared back in your sacks and you wouldn't want them accusing you of stealing."

Israel sighs. "And, I guess, go ahead and take Benji along. But make him wear his sweater and keep him out of the mud and don't let him talk to any strange prostitutes on the side of the road!"

Israel says, "And let's hope this will get your other brother back, what's his name? That one you left."

The brothers gather up all of the stuff and return to Egypt to stand before Joseph.

Joseph sees Benjamin is with them and tells his servants, "Bring these men home and slay, and make ready; for these men shall dine with me at noon."

Joseph's brothers are afraid they're going to be arrested for accepting the wrong change and are going to be called bondsmen.

Joseph's brothers approach the steward of Joseph's house and say, "Look, man, it's all a big misunderstanding. We didn't know we got the wrong change! By the time we saw that you had given us back all of our money, we were halfway to Canaan! We know it's a lot of money but it wouldn't have made sense to head all the way back to Egypt! But we knew we'd be back and that's why we brought double money this time! So don't throw us in jail as if we were a common baker!"

The steward replies, "Oh that. Don't worry about that. Your God did that. I mean, he did that through me when the money came back to me and I was instructed to put it into your sacks. I don't mean to imply that Joseph is your God. Oh, did I say Joseph? I mean the guy who sold you the corn. Um, anyway, nevermind that, here's Simeon!"

The steward shoves Simeon into his brother's arms and shuffles off to fetch them water.

The brothers wait for Joseph.

Joseph appears and they give him the gifts and Joseph asks, "Is your father alive?"

The brothers forgot the words of their father about keeping their mouths shut and blurt out, "Oh yeah! He's alive and well!"

Joseph sees Benji, his full brother, and asks, "Is this your brother?"

Joseph's bowels yearn upon Benji.

Joseph runs into his chamber and begins weeping.

Issachar says, "Way to go, Benji! You scared him off!"

Joseph washes his face and fixes up his Kohl Mascara and heads back out to the party with some bread.

After the table is set and everyone is ready to eat, they all go off in separate corners and eat by themselves because it is an abomination of the Egyptians to eat with the Hebrews. Duh!

Joseph sends messes to his brothers.

Benji gets five times as many messes as his brothers get!

Everyone drinks and is merry!

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

How long did it take Israel and his family to consume all of the corn they brought up from Egypt? Can you imagine poor Simeon sitting in his cell, day after day, waiting for his family to come and save him while they're living it up in Canaan hip deep in popcorn?

Is Jacob a selfish jerk? Are Simeon's brothers a bunch of cowards?

Why does Judah try to convince Jacob this time instead of Reuben? Is Reuben fed up with Israel? Or do they draw lots every time there's a decision to be made?

What if Israel didn't agree to let them take Benjamin? Would they have all starved to death? Or would they have gotten by on all their fruits, nuts, honey and spices? Can man live on fruits, nuts, honey, and spices alone?

How horribly guilty must these men feel about killing their stupid brother Joseph? Are these men to be admired? Or are we supposed to learn a lesson from them? Is the famine a punishment for what they did to Joseph? Or would the famine have happened anyway except Joseph would have been with his brothers and been able to dream the corn dream and make Israel and his family prosperous instead of Pharaoh?

Do you think Joseph could have phrased the order to his servant better? "Bring these men home, and slay, and make ready; for these men shall dine with me at noon." Doesn't it sound like Joseph wants the servant to kill them? Does he have a book titled, "To Serve Hebrews"?

Did "that he may seek occasion against us, and fall upon us, and take us for bondmen, and our asses" sound dirty to you too?

Aren't you glad 'ass' is a synonym for 'donkey'? It's also a synonym for butt! That's why it's funny!

Why can't Israel's boys remain quiet? He tells them to stop blabbing their family business to everyone they meet but as soon as Joseph asks them about Jacob, they give him all the information he wants! What kind of sons are these gossipy nancies?

Did "your God, and the God of your father, hath given you treasure in your sacks" sound dirty to you as well as that other one? Which one sounds dirtier? Which one is funnier?

Why do the men wash their feet before eating lunch? Do they eat with their toes? And why do their asses need provender?

What does it mean when Joseph's "bowels yearned upon his brother"? Is this as disgusting as I think it is? Should I do a Google image search of this?

Did you do a Google image search for that phrase? Was it horrible?

Why is it an abomination for the Egyptians to eat with Hebrews? And if that really is the case, did that mean that Joseph had to eat alone because he couldn't eat with the Egyptians of his household because he was Hebrew and he couldn't eat with his brothers because they thought Joseph was Egyptian? This would probably make a wacky 2 act play for some community theater somewhere!

What does it mean that Joseph sent messes to his brothers? That doesn't sound like a good thing! Does The Bible mean 'mess' in the military sense? Or does the military mean 'mess' in The Bible sense?!

When Joseph's brothers arrive at Joseph's house, they think that they're going to be arrested for taking the money with which they were supposed to have purchased the corn. So they instantly start confessing. But you should never do that ever! If the cops ever haul you into the station for doing something you did or didn't do, don't tell them a thing! If you do, you'll end up on Death Row and later on Dateline NBC because you couldn't keep your stupid mouth shut!

A Gossipy Nancy is a term used to describe a female goat in Great Britain. If the goat were in France, it would be called a Sacre Bleu Ninny. And in Germany, a female goat is a Zeigenfotzeschadenpunkt.

Pickle Boy's Historical Facts #9 of 1000: Goat hotdogs are crap.

Benjamin got so much food at the dinner that his brothers briefly considered throwing him in a hole after dessert.

A. Write a wacky two Act play based on the dinner at Joseph's house. Remember to have lots of characters coming and going at confusing moments, a bunch of misheard gossip, and possibly a great big food fight!
B. Research the word 'mess'. Don't just look it up in a dictionary, stupid! Find out where it came from and what language it originated from and why it means food!
C. Read a Chapter of The Bible other than Genesis and do a Bible Study on each Chapter and send it to me. I'll give you a byline when I post it! But I'll get top billing because it will probably need to be reworked and punched up a bit.

DRAWING TIME!

Draw a picture of Joseph in his Egyptian garb weeping uncontrollably in his chambers! Fill it with Pathos, whatever that is!

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

Dining with Jewish People is an abomination.

KNOW THY ENEMY

I don't think there was anything in this Chapter that Rationalists would care to argue about. It's really just a stupid dinner party. It would have been a much more interesting Chapter if the author would make up some convincing or exciting characters. Why didn't the author of The Bible think up someone like The Mad Hatter or Norman Arbuthnot? If they had, I would have had a lot more to discuss than what this sorely lacking in details Chapter delivered!