Printable Version

 CHAPTER FIFTY NINE
Joseph's Brethren Visit Egypt, Genesis 42:1 -- 42:38.

THE FACTS!

Jacob hears that Egypt has corn.

Jacob says to his sons, "Why are you thtanding around looking at each other? Get to Egypt and buy uth thome corn tho that we live and don't die!"

Ten of Jacob's brothers head to Egypt.

Jacob keeps his second favorite son, Benjamin, from going just in case all of his sons are killed in a horrible chariot accident.

The famine is in Canaan which is why Jacob's sons traveled to Egypt to get corn.

Joseph is the governor and is responsible for selling corn.

Joseph's brethren bow down before Joseph.

Joseph recognizes his brothers but they don't recognize him because he makes himself strange and speaks in a deep voice.

Joseph asks, "Whence comest ye?"

His brothers reply, "From Canaan to buy food!"

Joseph replies, "Nay, ye are spies come to see Egypt's nakedness!"

The brothers say, "No no no! We are all sons of one man! We're here to buy food! We're not spies!"

Joseph says, "No, no. You are spies. You've come to see the nakedness of the land."

The brothers say, "Oh, no! Not at all! We're twelve sons of one man! I mean, we're ten! The youngest one is at home with our father and the other one is not! He's also not with us!"

Joseph says, "Well, I'm pretty much convinced you're spies because I remember hearing myself say, 'Ye are spies!' But here's how you can prove you're not.  One of you can go get your youngest brother. This is the only way you can prove you're not spies!"

Joseph throws them all in jail for three days.

During those three days, Joseph apparently gets amnesia.

On the third day, Joseph tells them, "I'm a good God-fearing bloke, so this is how you can prove that you're not spies and end up living. I'll keep one of you here in jail while the rest of you can purchase the corn and take it back to Canaan. Then bring back your brother and nobody will have to die."

The brothers speak freely in Joseph's presence because they don't realize he understands Ancient Hebrew because he's been speaking in Pictures and they've been using a translator.

The brothers said, one to another, "I feel guilty. This is what we get for throwing Joseph into a pit and ignoring his cries and allowing some animal to tear him to bits. God is punishing us."

Reuben says, "I told you so!"

Joseph weeps but he hides his face from his brothers so that they wouldn't see his Kohl Mascara run.

Simeon pulls the short straw and Joseph binds him in front of his brothers.

Joseph commands his servants to fill his brethren's sacks with corn and to return their money and to give them food and drink for the trip home.

On the journey home, one of Joseph's brothers notices his money has been returned to his sack.

The brothers become terrified that they've just had their money returned and blame God for this ill fortune.

Joseph's brothers return home.

Joseph's brothers repeat what just happened in the first half of this Chapter so that Jacob can get caught up.

The rest of the brothers find their money in their sacks as well!

Everyone gets scared!

Jacob says, "Look, you jerkth have lotht two of my thonth already, Jotheph and Thimeon. And you think I'm going to let you take Benjamin to Egypt to die ath well? Forget about it!"

Reuben says, "Look. Take my two sons and murder them if I lose Benjamin! Don't worry, I'll bring him back safely."

Jacob says, "Benjamin hath already lotht hith brother. And I couldn't live if my other favorite thon died too. Thimeon ithn't worth the rithk to Benjamin'th life. No deal!"

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

How did Jacob hear about the corn in Egypt? Did God tell him about it? Where has God been lately? Supposedly he helped Joseph interpret dreams but he didn't actually make an appearance or anything. Joseph could have done the interpreting himself and he was just acting humble when he said it was God's doing!

Do you think Jacob found out about the corn when two kids eating giant ears of corn walked by rubbing their stomachs and going, "Hoo boy! This corn from Egypt is suh-wheat!"? Or maybe he got a third-class advert in the mail letting him know about the fantastic corn deals down south! Or out west! Or back east? Or up north!

How do you think Joseph's brothers felt about Benjamin staying behind? Did any of them think that they would become the favorite after getting rid of Joseph? Did they all understand that Rachel was Jacob's favorite wife and that children born from his other wives were second class shitty sons?

Whatever happened to Reuben doing it with Bilhah? That sure seemed like a plot line that went nowhere! Did the author forget about it?

What did Joseph's brothers eat on the trip to Egypt? It's not like they were just going down to the corner store! If you got lost on the way, it took 40 years to get from Egypt to Canaan! I'm not sure how long it took if you got directions first.

Why didn't Joseph's brothers recognize Joseph? Was it because they were bowing down with their faces in the dirt? Or was it because Joseph was wearing all that Egyptian eye-liner and the big hat with the little snake over his brow and the funny gold dress thing and the half-shirt with his now tan belly showing?

How long do you think it took Joseph to learn to speak Hieroglyphics? Or to understand it, anyway. I'm pretty sure Hieroglyphics is easy to read and speak since you just look at the pictures and say, "Owl owl snake leaf hand eyeball crocodile." But what does that mean?!

Are you one of those nerds who, after reading that last question, instantly thought, "Actually, the pictures represented phonemes and didn't actually have anything to do with their representations anyway."? If you were then you should lighten up and stop thinking everyone is dumber than you because they understand whimsy.

What does Joseph mean by 'the nakedness of the land'? Does that sound dirty to you too? Probably! Because it has the word 'nakedness' in it! And if you're reading The Bible, you probably think being naked equals sex!

Why does Joseph have to be such a jerk to his brothers? Is he setting this all up so that he can lure his father and other brother down as well and have a really happy reunion where the ending ends happily? Or is he just getting payback for being thrown in a ditch? Or is he drunk with power? Or mad with power? Or sick with Space Madness?

Why would someone send spies to Egypt? What were they hiding? Who would think they had any secrets at all? One thing an Ancient Egyptian couldn't do was keep a secret! If he had something to say, he'd build a giant monument so that everybody could see it or write it on a wall in permanent stone!

Was that last question racist? Can you be a racist if you stereotype ancient, long-dead civilizations? Because I clearly said 'Ancient Egyptians'! I have no idea how well modern Egyptians keep secrets! I guess not too well since they all blabbed to each other on Facebook and Twitter about how they were all going to riot in the streets because bread cost too much and their leader was a giant asshole! Hey! That's just like the story of Joseph!

Why does Joseph say that he'll send one brother to retrieve Benji and then, three days later, he says he'll send all but one brother to go get Benji? Is it the Egyptian Second-in-Command's prerogative to change his mind? Does the word 'prerogative' make you think of 'pierogies'?  I must be hungry. When's lunch?

Now that I had lunch, how does the story about them being brothers to one man defend them against being spies? Can't they be a family of spies like those children from The Sound of Music? The Von Tramps?

If Reuben was so against Joseph being thrown in a hole, why didn't he do something more than slowly and casually saying, "No. Stop. Don't."?

How are you supposed to punctuate questions that end in a quoted sentence that isn't a sentence? Should that period after 'Don't.' be there? Should it be there?

Why would I want to read the MLA handbook? Stupid!

Why do you think Joseph chose Simeon to stay behind? Do you think we'll find out in a later chapter? Is Simeon Joseph's favorite because he certainly isn't Jacob's favorite? Should I be calling Jacob Israel instead of Jacob?

Did 'and they laded their asses with the corn, and departed thence' sound dirty to you too?

Did 'and as one of them opened his sack to give his ass provender in the inn' sound even dirtier to you?

Why are all the brothers suddenly afraid when they find that their money has been returned to them? Isn't that a good thing? And why do they blame God for doing it to them? Are they afraid that God gave them their money back but that Pharaoh won't see it that way and think that they're thieves as well as spies?

Were you bored by the recap as well? I really have to remember that trick when I write my next novel! The Holy Bible sure does repeat a lot of stuff that doesn't need repeating! And then it never clarifies or repeats the things that really do need repeating!

Has your father ever blatantly told you and your siblings that you weren't as important to him as one or two of his other kids? That Jacob is kind of an ass as a father!

Was this Chapter the Season Finale? It sure ends on a big cliff hanger! Is Simeon going to be okay? Is Jacob going to change his mind? Are they all going to die of starvation after they finish the corn they just stole? I mean bought!

It is a historical fact that I probably repeat myself often. But so does The Bible, so I'm not apologizing!

The Faith vs. Science Section is going to be done away with when I begin the Chapter on Exodus because I'm running out of ideas and it's often hard to come up with something that goes along with the current reading.

I haven't decided yet what the new section will be for Exodus.

Pickle Boy's Historical Facts #8 of 1000: The Greyhound is the only type of dog mentioned in The Bible.

The greyhound is only mentioned in the King James Version of The Bible because King James loved Greyhounds and the translators were being cute. How is that for Divinely Inspired Written Translations? What else has been fudged in this thing?!

A. Write a paper discussing what a trip from Canaan to Egypt was like in Biblical times! How long was the trip from Canaan to Egypt? What hazards did they face? And I don't want a made-up fantastical fiction piece! Do research! You can also submit this essay in the form of a video game called Egypt Trail.
B. Come up with some new Sections for the Exodus Study Guide! Send them to me at grunionguy AT placesandpredators DOT com!
C. Write a lonely prison soliloquy or memoir authored by Simeon. You don't have to make it like Oz because sometimes prisons are fun and full of sing-a-longs like back in the fifties.

DRAWING TIME!

Draw a picture of Egypt as it was back when Joseph was making a killing off the corn market, full of starving people and villainous spies!

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

If rescuing one child might put your favorite child in harm's way, let the child who needs rescuing rot.

KNOW THY ENEMY

Whenever somebody argues with you that The Bible isn't any good as a manual because it constantly contradicts itself, don't listen to them! Life is full of contradictions and hypocrisy that isn't really hypocrisy or contradiction when examined with a little thought! But most people don't like thought. They'd rather react like one of those political talking heads on television or a court lawyer who finds that it is more effective to shout and accuse and blame somebody than to try to understand what the other person is trying to say. So when Joseph says one thing and then says another, it isn't a mistake. Joseph just changed his mind.

Of course, that's an easy one to defend. Some of the other contradictions in The Bible are a little harder to make excuses for. But if I find any, I'll tell you how to defend them! But they're so hard to find because there are so few of them that I might miss some of the worst cases. But remember those cases aren't very bad if you just use your head a little bit. (See? I just defended The Bible right now by saying things I don't know are true but while assuring you that there are no problems!)