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 CHAPTER FIFTY EIGHT
Pharaoh Makes Joseph a Ruler, Genesis 41:37 -- 41:57.

THE FACTS!

Pharaoh sees that the interpretation was good.

Pharaoh's servants go, "Yeah, yeah, the boss is right! That was really good!"

Pharaoh finds it unbelievable that they found somebody like Joseph in whom is God's spirit.

Pharaoh says to Joseph, "You know, even though God gave you those interpretations, I still think you're very wise and discreet."

Pharaoh invites Joseph to his house and makes him his Number One which makes Joseph Number Two of all Egypt.

Pharaoh takes off his ring and puts it on Joseph's hand. He also dresses Joseph and gives him a gold necklace.

Pharaoh makes Joseph ride in his 2nd chariot.

All the people of Egypt get yelled at to bow before Joseph who now rules over all of Egypt. After Pharaoh, of course.

Pharaoh says, "I am Pharaoh! Let no man raise a foot or a hand without your say so! Which is also my say so because I said so!"

Pharaoh renames Joseph 'Zaphnath-paaneah' which means 'the man to whom secrets are revealed' if you understand Coptic.

Pharaoh gives Joseph a wife named Asenath. She is the daughter of Poti-pherah who is a priest of On.

Joseph goes out over all he lands of Egypt.

Joseph is thirty years old.

Egypt has seven plentiful years just like Joseph said it would.

Joseph stores lots of food.

Joseph gathers as much corn as Abraham will have seeds. It is uncountable.

Joseph has two sons in the fat cow years.

Joseph names the firstborn Manasseh which means Forgetting. He names him this because God made Joseph forget the terrible struggles he had and also he's forgotten all about his brothers.

Joseph names his second child Ephraim which means Fruitful. He names him this because God has made Joseph to become wealthy in the land where he was beat down. Just like Abram and Isaac! And Jacob too, I guess, since Jacob became wealthy while living in Abram's hometown which wasn't Jacob's hometown and it was a place of struggle for Jacob.

The seven years of plenty come to a close.

The seven years of famine hit all the lands everywhere. But Egypt had been smart and so they had bread.

All the Egyptians were hungry and cried out for bread. Pharaoh tells them to speak to Joseph about it.

Joseph sells corn to the hungry Egyptians.

The rest of the starving world comes to Egypt in order to purchase corn.

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

If somebody interpreted a dream to your liking and you don't yet know if the interpretation was accurate, would you put that person as second in command of your entire fortune? I wouldn't! But I suppose a lot of people would. Because a lot of people get scammed out of their money every single day by itinerant con artists and psychic hotlines.

If Commander Riker of the U.S.S. Enterprise was Number One, what did that make Captain Picard? The Bee's Knees? The Dog's Bollocks? Number Zero?

Do you think Pharaoh really believed in Joseph's God? Do you think he thought the little Hebrew mono-God was 'cute'?

By the time Joseph becomes a hot shot in Egypt, do you think God was still angry at Adam and Eve? Can't he learn to forgive? Or does he only learn about that in The New Testament?

Did Joseph just join a gang or maybe the Mafia? Pharaoh outfits him in his colors or a nice suit and gives him his ring and a gold chain. And then he gives him a chariot to drive around Egypt making people scatter and bow before him.

Did I miss something important? Was the dream interpretation thing a bunch of obfuscation about what Joseph really knew? Pharaoh renames him 'revealer of secrets' which could mean dream interpreter. But it could also mean blackmailer! And Pharaoh acts more like he's being blackmailed than grateful that someone interpreted two stupid dreams.

Is it wrong that Joseph married an Egyptian? I'm pretty sure that his grandfather Isaac would frown upon this. I don't know if Jacob would care. Jacob had so many sons he probably needed to marry them off to as many Heathens as he could find.

Joseph was only 30 years old by the time he was ruling all of Egypt! What did you accomplish by the time you were thirty? Or, if you're in third grade, what do you hope to accomplish by the time you turn thirty? Don't put too much pressure on yourself! Adult life is over-rated!

Is this Bible story the reason corn isn't a countable noun? You don't say, "I have seven corns!" because Joseph gathered corn until 'it was without a number.' Although you can say, "I have seven ears of corn!" but that's entirely different for some reason.

Which name would you rather have, 'Forgetting' or 'Fruitful'? Yeah, that's a pretty tough choice! It's a good thing babies don't get to pick their names because there are a lot of names that are much better than a lot of other names and no baby in their right baby mind would ever pick any of the bad ones. Only stupid, ignorant parents who think they're being unique and clever would ever pick most of the names you hear when you're at the mall being annoyed by teenagers.

Was Joseph's life before being kidnapped to Egypt really so bad that he had to name his first child 'Forgetting' because the child helped him forget that toil? Really, he didn't do any work with his brothers even though he wasn't the youngest. Benjamin pulled more weight than Joseph. He spazzed out all day telling his brother's his dreams just to get them angry. And his father loved him most of all. Sheesh, it was practically a concentration camp!

Should I not have said concentration camp? I only realized after the fact that this story is about the Jewish people and maybe that line might be seen as a bit insensitive. But if you read the line in total innocence like the way I wrote it, you'll see it isn't insensitive at all. If you still think it is, you must be the insensitive one!

Where do you think Joseph stored all of that corn? Yes, smart guy, The Bible says, 'In the cities.' But where? Did they use the old high school gym and fill it to the rafters? If so, where did the Anubis-loving teenagers go to smoke papyrus if the space under the bleachers was filled with corn?

If Joseph was saving corn, how come Egypt had so much bread when the famine came? Was it corn bread? I hope the fat cows made a lot of butter during the plenteous years!

Why weren't the Egyptians angry that Pharaoh and Joseph took 20% of their corn across the seven years when they had plenty of excess corn and then when the famine began to hit them really hard, Joseph sells it back to them instead of rationing it to them? Where did the starving Egyptians get the money to pay for the corn if they weren't able to grow any crops themselves? Is this scheme the reason Pharaoh struck such a good deal with Joseph? It wasn't because Pharaoh wanted to help his people! It's because he wanted to make a quick buck out of everyone else's misery!

When The Bible says people from all over the world came to Egypt for bread, did they come from Australia too? What about Japan? Or Canada? I would have to guess that people did come from all of these places because The Bible literally said the famine was over the face of the earth and all countries came to Egypt.

When Pharaoh called Joseph discreet, Joseph actually responded, "Thank you! I've always thought of myself as individually separate and distinct!" To which Pharaoh replied, "Of course you did. But I meant you were careful and circumspect in your speech, especially to avoid causing offense or to gain an advantage." Then Joseph said, "Really? Because it seems like I'm more the other one!" Then Pharaoh shrugged and made a slave scratch his inner thigh.

Pickle Boy's Obscure, Inane, or Historical Facts #7 of 1000: No matter the combination of mixed nuts, they always taste like cashews and almonds.

When Americans are hungry, they like to say that they're starving. When someone is literally starving, they say, "Argggarrgghhspx."

Abram went to Egypt because there was a famine. And now Jacob is going to Egypt because there is a famine. This is because Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob are all the same person!

The Holy Bible is like Fight Club.

A. Make a list of fifty names that will get your child beat up more than if his name was Fruitful.
B. Compare and contrast government services that feed the hungry with charitable organizations that do the same thing.
C. Who is going to pick Essay B or C when A has you making up 50 baby names? Yes, that's Essay Question C!

DRAWING TIME!

Draw Pharaoh's Chariot and his second Chariot that he gives to Joseph.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

The Government will tax the crap out of you when you're earning a lot of bread.

KNOW THY ENEMY

Even though a lot of people might read this Chapter and think how lousy the government is for taking a lot of people's crops and then selling them back to them, this is not a reason to advocate for less government and more corporate choices. Corporations would do the exact same thing. Although it's true that they would have purchased the excess corn when they first got it, they also would end up charging a large amount for it once it was in high demand. This government was also run by a Pharaoh which means dictator, I think. So while one might read this Chapter and believe, at first, that Pharaoh has the good of his people in mind when he makes the whole storing up corn over the years of plenty to give out during the years of famine program, it becomes apparent when Joseph sells the corn to the starving masses that he was only in it for himself. Which is they way a corporation would act. Which is also the way a greedy government would act.

But people need to realize that by living in a democracy, you have control (sort of and to a very limited extent) over what your Government does and how it acts. And while this control is pretty pathetic unless you have guns and a big set of balls, people need to remember that they have no control over the decisions that corporations make. So while both are actually your enemy, you at least have some say in the shenanigans of government. Although that say is mostly illusory.

You know what? Everyone is trying to get your last ear of corn! So it's actually better to not tell anybody how much corn you grew and to store it yourself under your mattress. Then you'll have plenty to eat later! And don't even think about helping out your neighbors when you see them starving because they should have been smart about saving themselves and when they learn you have extra corn, they're going to really start bugging you about how hungry they are and can't you spare a few kernels and why are you being such a selfish jerk!