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 CHAPTER FIFTY SEVEN
Pharaoh's Dreams, Genesis 41:1 -- 41:36.

THE FACTS!

After two full years, Pharaoh has a dream.

In the dream, Pharaoh stood by the river. Which one is anybody's guess.

Out of the river came seven big fat cows. They went to eat in the meadow.

After that, seven skinny cows came out of the river and stood next to the fat cows.

The skinny cows ate the fat cows!

Pharaoh wakes up in a cold sweat.

Pharaoh realizes it was just a dream and goes back to sleep.

Pharaoh dreams a second time in two years!

This time he dreams of seven fat and good ears of corn on one stalk.

Then seven thin ears of corn ate the seven fat ears of corn.

Pharaoh wakes up  in a hot sweat!

Pharaoh realizes it was just another dream.

Pharaoh is troubled over breakfast.

Pharaoh calls for all the wise men and all the con artists of Egypt to gather at his pyramid.

Pharaoh tells them his dreams.

Nobody can interpret the dreams to Pharaoh even though you'd suspect the magicianier Magicians and the wisest guy wise guys to at least try.

Suddenly Butler remembers Joseph and says, "Oh, hey, Pharaoh. Remember that time you were angry at me and Baker and stuck us in prison? Well, there was this one weird night where we both had a dream that we couldn't figure out. I mean, we each dreamed according to the interpretation of his dream."

"Yes, go on," says Pharaoh nodding eagerly to show he was interested in Butler's story.

"Yes, well, there was this young Hebrew kid who was there for attempted rape but had somehow become the servant of the captain of the guard because some god was with him or something. Anyway, we told him our dreams and he interpreted them for us," continues Butler.

Baker couldn't confirm the story because he was dead.

Butler continues: "And his interpretations were accurate. Me he set free with his interpretation and Baker was hanged due to the interpretation."

So Pharaoh calls forth Joseph to interpret his dream.

Joseph shaves and puts on some nice clothes and is brought before Pharaoh.

Pharaoh says to Joseph, "I dreamed a dream or two and nobody can understand the dreams. But I finally heard the story about how, two years ago, you interpreted some dreams correctly."

Joseph responds: "Oh, it wasn't me! God did it all and he'll help you out too!"

Pharaoh tells Joseph his dream: "I dreamt that I was standing by the river. You know the one. That huge one that goes right through the center of town. Anyway, seven fat and well-hung cows came out of the river and fed in the meadow. And then seven skinny cows with tiny things, so tiny as I'd never seen the like in all of Egypt, came out of the river. And the skinny cows ate the fat cows! And after they ate them, they were still skinny. It was crazy! Then I woke up."

Pharaoh tells Joseph his other dream: "I dreamt that seven ears of corn came up in one stalk. And they were fat and good! And then seven withered and bare and wind-blasted ears grew up next to them. And the seven wasted ears ate up the seven good ears! Insane!"

Pharaoh tells Joseph how the stupid Magicians couldn't make heads nor tails of the dream.

Joseph says, "Aha! Believe it or not, but these dreams are one! God has shown you what will happen soon!"

Pharaoh gasps, "Cannibalistic cows?!"

Joseph says, "No! Interpreting the dream literally would be silly! The seven good cows and seven good ears of corn are really seven years!"

Pharaoh nods and goes, "Okay, okay. That makes sense."

Joseph says, "And the seven bad cows are seven years and the seven withered ears of corn are seven years of famine!"

"Eeep!" squeaks Pharaoh.

Joseph continues: "God has shown you the future! There will be seven years of plenty in all of Egypt. After that there will be seven years of famine which will make people forget the good seven years."

"This is serious business," says Joseph. "That's why God showed you the dream twice!"

After Joseph interprets the dream, he tells Pharaoh his job. "You need to get some guy to take 1/5 of all the land's grain during the seven good years. Store it up in all the cities and under Pharaoh's hand for the seven years of famine. That way Egypt will survive!"

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Did Pharaoh really not have a dream for two years? Did people really need dream interpreters because they rarely dreamed? If I didn't dream for two whole years and then suddenly had a dream, I'd probably wonder why and what it meant also. Plus he had two in one night after two years of none! That's got to be confusing.

Pharaoh says he stood by the river and not a river. Did you wonder which river he meant? I think Egypt only has one river, the Nile. It might even be the only river in all of Africa since I've never heard of any others! You might have already known about the Nile but since my audience for this Bible Study is third graders, you may not have. Plus, it was a dream so the river could have been the Columbia or the Amazon and that other one!

What do 3rd Graders know? I'm pretty sure they can talk and multiply numbers at that age. Isn't that the age where you have to learn the names of all the states and where they're located? And you can't pass by just saying, "America!" Unless you're from somewhere other than Canada or America and then you probably don't need to know the difference between Oregon and Alabama!

Did you ever play Four Corners in Elementary School on rainy days? That's where one kid puts his head on the table and hides his eyes as the rest of the class runs around and shoves themselves into different corners. Then the one kid would say a number and everyone in that corner of the room had to sit down. I used to hide in the coats in Corner #2 even though the stupid caller kid couldn't see me. Sometimes I'd go through the pockets and find loose change!

Did you know that a kine is a cow? I knew that because I'm a super hero and you have to be prepared to know archaic words because you never know when you might have to fight some super villain who can send you backwards in time!

Did the skinny cows make you think of ice cream?

Were you worried when the skinny cows ate the fat cows? Did you think this dream was a warning to Pharaoh about an outbreak of Mad Cow Disease? That was my interpretation! And then all the Egyptians were going to go crazy and think the corn was eating the other corn! Or maybe they were all going to have to eat corn for seven years because all the cows were dead from Mad Cow.

Do you think Marie Antoinette had a dream where a bunch of skinny cakes ate a bunch of fat cakes?

Why did Pharaoh call for all of Egypt's Magicians to interpret his dream for him? To Egyptians, did Magician mean something other than 'guy who can't get laid so he has to resort to legerdemain to remove a girl's panties'? That's a kind of pun because 'legerdemain' means 'skillful use of one's hands'!

Can you imagine if you needed a Magician to interpret one of your dreams? Which one would you choose? Penn and Teller? Or just Penn because what good would Teller be? Doug Henning? David Copperfield? David Blaine? Chris Burton? Criss Angel? I would choose Doug Henning because the interpretation would be good and full of hugs and happy mustaches! Unless Doug Henning has become a real downer since dying. David Blaine's interpretation would probably be more confusing and stupid than your actual dream. And Criss Angel's interpretation would be like Freud's except with more leather and metal.

How many of you even know Doug Henning? Sheesh! Watch The Muppet Show some time!

Why do you think all of Egypt's Magicians and their horses couldn't figure out Pharaoh's dream? It really wasn't very complicated and even I came up with the Mad Cow Interpretation! Sure, my interpretation was wrong but at least I had one! The Holy Bible, are you telling me that none of these guys even tried to come up with one? Or did the phrase 'could interpret them unto Pharaoh' mean they did try but none of their interpretations were very satisfying? Who is Pharaoh to question the workings of dreams to people who are supposed to interpret them?

Were you surprised Butler admitted that forgetting about Joseph was a fault? That's a pretty stand up thing to do! I'm pretty sure remembering his faults was the old timey way of saying 'My bad'. Were you surprised that he even remembered Joseph after two years?

Do you think Butler is putting a little too much credit on Joseph's shoulders when he says that Joseph restored Butler to his former position and Baker he hanged? Didn't Joseph simply tell the future based on the dreams? It wasn't like Joseph went to Pharaoh and said, "Hey, these guys had these dreams so these particular things need to happen." So if Butler feels this way, imagine how pissed off Baker must have been at Joseph!

How long do you think Joseph's beard must have been after spending all of that time in jail? Did Joseph have to shave off all of his body hair before being brought before Pharaoh? I've seen some historical re-enactments on television shows about Egyptians and they seemed to be pretty hairless most of the time. They even wore wigs and fake beards! Joseph probably seemed like an ape to them.

Why does Joseph believe it is God who is interpreting the dreams and not Joseph himself? In fact, Joseph says the dreams were sent to Pharaoh by God. So if God is interpreting the dreams through Joseph, why didn't God just skip the Middle Man (remember, Middle Men are your enemies!) and allow Pharaoh to dream the interpretation of the dream? Why can't God just say what he means instead of meaning what he says?

Is this one of the ways we know Jesus was God? Because Jesus spoke in dream riddle allegories that Jesus had to then interpret for his Followers who were too dumb to get the point and interpret the stories themselves?

Does this Chapter mean to say that nothing God tells you should be taken literally? Am I wasting my time trying to understand The Bible for what it actually says? If The Bible is the word of God just like Pharaoh's dreams were, shouldn't The Bible also be interpreted like Pharaoh's dreams were? Is that why the Catholic Church exists?

Why does Pharaoh believe Joseph's interpretation? Is it because Pharaoh remembers Pharaoh's grandfather, Pharaoh, and how God punished his house because Pharaoh slept with another man's wife? So does Pharaoh trust that God would want to help out with a dream to make up for how he treated Pharaoh's grandfather, Pharaoh, that one time when it wasn't Pharaoh's fault at all that Sarai was married?

Joseph was only there to interpret Pharaoh's dream. So why does Joseph decide he also needs to tell Pharaoh how to act on the dream? Does he think Pharaoh is stupid? Does he think Pharaoh can't see the obvious course to take when he knows his country will have seven years of surplus and then seven years of famine? Do you think Pharaoh will throw Joseph into a cell in the next Chapter for being such an uppity attempted rapist Hebrew dream interpreter? I'm guessing that doesn't happen since the next section is headed, "Pharaoh makes Joseph a ruler." Unless that means Pharaoh is going to fashion a yardstick out of some reeds for Joseph to take back to prison with him.

'My bad' is now pretty much an old timey way of saying sorry. 'My bad' was the final way men were allowed to express that they were at fault before the year 2000 when nothing became nobody's fault ever and apologies were only something forced on celebrities to do in front of lots of cameras for the only people who cared which were the people with certifications in the brims of the hats that were holding the cameras.

Lots of people called their local police on May 1st, 1980 to report that a man was molesting a small sickly boy on television. But it ended up just being Doug Henning doing magick tricks on The Muppet Show with Kermit's nephew, Robin.

When artists draw people who have been locked away in a dungeon for a long time, they draw them with lots and lots of hair and really  ragged clothing. This must be exactly what happens to people in dungeons because even The Old Testament (which is something like 4000 years old) shows us that Joseph needed a shave and new clothing after being released.

People only dreamed occasionally way back in the past because that was when God was not crazy. Now God is schizophrenic which is why we have such strange dreams.

A. Go to a Magick Show and ask the Magician to interpret one of your dreams. Was he successful?
B. What is the difference between Oregon and Alabama?
C. Who was your favorite magician? If you're not into that stupid crap, write about the time you realized magick was boring.

DRAWING TIME!

Draw a picture of Pharaoh and his court. Include Butler and new Baker and Gardener and Trainer and Maid and anybody else you can think of. Add Joseph looking dapper in his new clothes.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

The things God says to people need to be interpreted by other people who are better acquainted with God.

KNOW THY ENEMY

I've never had a friend who was a magician and I think I know why. How could you ever trust that guy?! He'd probably steal money from you all of the time with his nimble fingers and that distraction thing they do with their other hand! Although if Magicians went everywhere with the half-naked women who help them out on stage, I might consider risking being friends with one. But only up until I noticed something of mine was missing and then he's right out!