Abimelech and Chief Captain Phichol tell Abraham that God is with him.
Abimelech asks Abraham to swear on God's name (since The Bible wasn't written yet because that would be weird if it had been and they were in it doing this) that Abraham will not deal falsely with Abimelech or his son or his grandson.
Abraham tells Abimelech that some of Abimelech's servants violently stole a well of water from him.
Abimelech says he knew nothing of this since Abraham didn't tell him about it until now.
Abraham gives sheep and oxen to Abimelech to form a covenant instead of having Abimelech mutilate his ding dong.
Abraham places seven lambs apart from the flock and Abimelech says, "WTF?"
Abraham says the lambs are notary publics here to witness the digging of Abraham's new well.
Abraham calls the well Beer-Sheba, meaning the oath of the well.
Abimelech and Master Chief head back to Philistine.
Abraham plants a tree and calls God.
Abraham vacations in Philistine for many days. Philistonia? Philistan?
Did we enter a Water Pirate Time Warp or something? How could the well, Beer-Sheba, be dug after Hagar had saved Ishmael's life with its water? Is this a miracle or poor editing?
Speaking of Hagar, seriously, how stupid is she? She's wandering in the wilderness of Beer-Sheba without water. But Beer-Sheba means 'the well of the oath'! Wouldn't you look around a little bit for a well if you were in The Town With the Well Town?
Did Abraham's story sound fishy to you? How can a bunch of servants steal a well? And they succeeded through violence! But Abraham is the guy who defeated five kings with armed butlers! I think he was just feeling picked on by Abimelech and he wanted to show Abimelech that being mean to each other goes both ways and why did Abimelech have to bring up that whole 'my wife is my sister' scam again?
When Abraham tells Abimelech about the well being stolen, didn't Abimelech's response sound like most Defendants on Judge Judy? "Hey, Abimelech, you servants stole my well!" "Oh, really? This is the first I'm hearing about it! I don't owe you a well because you didn't tell me until now. If you'd told me right off, I would have done something to help out. But, sheesh, really, you're telling me now? Get over it! Plus, I'm counter-suing you for harassment because you asked for your well back."
Is it just accepted by every day Christians who read The Bible that these chapters are out of order? Shouldn't the digging of the well of Beer-Sheba be before Hagar's discovery of the well? Do Christians consider this postmodern writing? Don't you think a religious document this important should try to avoid little things like this that might make people question its historicity? Really? That's a real word? My spell check says it is! I'm smart!
Do you think Phichol was happy to get a mention in The Bible? Do you think he'll return in later chapters since his name was used? Even the wives of Noah and Lot never get names! This Phichol dude must be pretty important.
Do you think the soldiers called their captain Fickle Phichol? If they did, it was probably just behind his back. And by just, I mean 'only' and not 'just behind his back' as in really, really close to his back where he might hear them say it.
Why does Abraham give Abimelech some sheep and oxen? Does he feel guilty about lying about his well being stolen? Is it just the thing to do when the king of the land you're living on (the king your God almost killed because of you) comes to demand that you act like a good neighbor?
Abimelech doesn't believe in God. This is apparent because he says to Abraham, "So, God is with you, so I'll have you swear to God since you'll be honest because you believe in that garbage" although maybe not in those exact words. You can hear it in his voice, though. Probably. Who do you think Abimelech does believe in? Moloch? Abimelech is smarter than our court system, anyway! Why have people swear on The Bible when most people will lie to save their material hides before they ever give a thought to their immortal soul! Especially Christians who believe Jesus will forgive them just because they believe in him.
Why is Abraham sojourning in Philistonia? The Bible still hasn't given a satisfactory answer to this. I'm waiting!
FAITH vs SCIENCE
Man-at-Arms, He-man's captain of the guard, was modeled after Phichol, right down to the horrible mustache.
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey broke the time travel rules established in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. In the first movie, George Carlin warns them that the clock in present day San Dimas is always ticking. So even though they could travel through time, they still only had 24 hours or so to gather up all of their historical figures. But in the second one, when they realize that they can't play guitar for their concert, they use the time machine to learn guitar, returning to stage instantaneously with really long beards and babies. But according to the rules already established in the first movie, they would have missed the concert while learning to play guitar.
One time, this local newscaster called a drug 'a panacea for everything.'
Superman will eventually die from exposure to green kryptonite after a number of hours through some ridiculously contrived theory about electromagnetic radiation from the sun and the radiation from the kryptonite interfering with Superman's plant-like ability to suck energy out of sunshine which makes his cells explode or something. But kryptonite makes Bizarro stronger!
The idea of a bunch of servants stealing Abraham's well is the hardest thing to believe in The Bible.
Explain the linear discrepancies of The Bible. Why are they there? What
purpose could they serve if The Bible is told exactly how it is supposed to
be told? Doesn't it just seem like a bunch of different editors trying to
marry a bunch of different texts into one text they could all, sort of,
Draw a comic strip depicting Abimelech's servants violently stealing Abraham's well.
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?
If somebody mentions something
you've done that doesn't exactly portray you in the best light, be sure to
accuse them of something horrible also, even if you can't think on your feet
very well and you come up with some dumb story like a bunch of guys stealing
KNOW THY ENEMY
When you're reading The Bible in a literal way, it's sometimes very hard to explain it coherently. Occasionally you might feel like giving in just a little bit and saying things like, "Well, okay, even though this section comes after the section with Hagar and Ishmael being in the wilderness of Beer-Sheba and this section has the place being named, it would seem logical that this section actually takes place before the casting out of Ishmael and Hagar because then the whole Abimelech story also doesn't get interrupted." But that wouldn't be right because God made sure that The Bible was written in a very specific way. So what you should tell people is, "Aha! But God is omnipresent and so knows everything. And he gave The Bible to mankind through Divine Writing, so The Bible is literally God's word as told to man. Which means that God knows everything! So when He's telling us the tale of Hagar in Beer-Sheba, God already knows that the wilderness is going to be called Beer-Sheba and probably thinks of that area as Beer-Sheba all the time since it's such a catchy name. So the fault isn't with The Bible! The fault is with people who doubt that God can do whatever He wants."