Isaac grows and is weaned.
Abraham makes a great feast on the day Isaac is weaned.
Sarah sees Ishmael mocking her. Or Isaac. He was mocking something, anyway.
Sarah tells Abraham to cast out Hagar and Ishmael as she won't have the Egyptian's son as an heir beside Isaac.
The situation gives Abraham a tummy ache.
God says to Abraham, "Don't be so upset about kicking out your son. Listen to your wife in this matter. Isaac will call your seeds. And don't worry about Ishmael. He's still your son and you remember I said I'd bless all of your seeds, so Ishmael shall start a great nation also."
Early the next day, Abraham gives some bread and water to Hagar and Ishmael and sends them packing.
Hagar and Ishmael wander to Beer-Sheba. Sounds good!
When Hagar runs out of water, she tosses Ishmael under a bush.
Hagar wanders off a bowshot's length so she will not have to see the death of her child.
Hagar wails and cries.
God hears the child crying.
The angel of God tells Hagar to buck up since God has heard the crying of her child.
God says to Hagar, "Arise and lift up the lad for I shall make of him a great nation."
God opens Hagar's eyes.
Hagar sees she's been sitting next to a well and fills the bottle.
Hagar gives water to the child.
Ishmael grows up in the wilderness of Paran and becomes an archer.
Hagar brings Ishmael a wife out of Egypt.
Isn't Sarah just the biggest bitch in The Bible? Ishmael probably stuck his tongue out or crossed his eyes or something silly, like kids do, and she gets Abraham to kick him out of the house! Of course, Ishmael is fourteen or fifteen or some-teen since I don't really know what age kids are usually weaned. Or what that means, even! I should look it up in the dictionary! ...Eww!
Who does Sarah think she is? She laughs at God and lies to God's face about it. She tells her husband to sleep with her servant and gets mad at Abraham for it. She gives her servant to Abraham so her servant will get pregnant and then gets jealous when her plan succeeds. Some snotty kid acts up at Isaac's Weaning Party and she makes her husband kick the kid and his mother out of the house to die in the wilderness. And the kid is her husband's first born son! Do you hate Sarah as much as I do?
Man, what a bitch! Am I right?
Isn't the man supposed to rule over the woman? God put that curse on women because of Eve. So why does Sarah keep trying to tell Abraham what to do? I bet if God hadn't intervened and told Abraham to go ahead and do as Sarah demanded, Abraham would have punched her in both eyes.
What do you say to a woman with two black guys? Nothing, you've already told her twice! I never understood that joke.
How old do you suppose Isaac was when he was weaned? The Bible is usually pretty good about giving people's ages at these special times in their lives but not this time. Do you think it was an embarrassing age like 12 or 13? It was probably more like 3 months. I'm pretty sure Sarah's bosom couldn't produce a whole lot of milk at 90 years old.
Abraham gives Hagar and Ishmael one bottle of water and a loaf of bread before sending them out in the wilderness. Is he trying to kill them? Or is he finally trusting in God's word without asking fifteen million questions? Or does he trust in God's word this time because it's cheap and convenient for him?
Did you also think Hagar was being selfish with the bread when she dumped Ishmael in the bush? Even though it was because she couldn't stand to watch her son die, I still thought it was horrible that she'd leave her kid to die all alone.
Isn't Ishmael a teenager by now? He was 13 when circumcised and if my calendar math is correct, Isaac was born one year later. And now it's been another few years of weaning, so Ishmael is probably nearly twenty! But his mother still dumps him in a bush where he begins to cry and wail like a baby? If I now declare that Ishmael is a big poof who can't take care of himself and his mother in the wilderness, will a Fatwa be declared against me?
How stupid is Hagar? Did she really need God to point out the well she was practically sitting against? She's seen wells before! She even named God near one!
What were you supposed to learn from this Chapter? Who sinned? Did Abraham do the right thing, like throwing a garbage can through the pizzeria window? Did Sarah do the wrong thing? Is Ishmael going to shoot somebody's eye out?
Don't you wish we had a Twitter Log of all The Bible characters? Do people make up fake Bible Twitter accounts? Or do they just do Darth Vader and Perry Mason? I wonder how many people have a Twitter account for their penis?
Ishmael is circumcised, so he has a covenant with God. And God is with him as he grows up in Paran to become a great archer. Do you think Ishmael's nation will be as great and mighty as Isaac's? If not, why not? Why would God favor one over the other when they've both been blessed and they've both got the mutilated penis covenant reminder? I don't know what is going to happen to Ishmael's nation! Let's keep a close eye on him and his seeds as we continue because I bet it's important somehow or other!
Do you think the woman Hagar took from Egypt to be Ishmael's wife was related to her? I bet she was since Egyptians and Gerarians love sisters. Especially Abraham's.
FAITH vs SCIENCE
Twitter is the commentary track on a DVD you're not watching.
In the late 1700s, Weaning Parties were all the rage in Paris. They quickly lost favor when most of them began to end in Guillotinnings.
The following Search Terms have been used to find Lyle's Study Guide on the Internet:
1. How long would it take to load all animals on the ark
The real reason Sarah became upset with Ishmael is because he blew out Isaac's candles on his Weaning Cake and then ran in circles until he barfed.
Twitter is the place to upload your precious bon mots that you don't think enough of your friends heard you say.
Once in college, my teacher had everyone in class write one word on a piece of paper that they thought described themselves. I probably wrote 'Genius' or 'Writer' or something awesome. Then he put all the words on the board according to the gender of the person who wrote it. So he had a big list of words on the male side and a big list of words on the female side. 'Smart' and 'Emotional' were both on the male side. He asked the women which word they would like to take from the men's side to describe females. The women agreed that 'Smart' should be added to their side. I said, "I think Emotional should be on the women's side." And guess what? They all got angry! Grunion Guy: 1, Women: 0!
Write a story from Ishmael's point of view as he attends Isaac's Weaning
Feast. Make it as good as The Outsiders.
What does a Weaning Feast look like?
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?
If you're a step-child or a
half-child, don't act up in front of your non-blood parent because even God
thinks it's okay for you to be kicked out of the house because of it.
KNOW THY ENEMY
It was probably a big mistake for Abraham to kick Ishmael out of his house to go form his own Chosen Nation. In fact, that might have been the biggest mistake of Israel's entire history! Because now all of Ishmael's descendants want all of Abraham's descendants dead or at least out of the Middle East.
And how schizophrenic does that this whole thing make God look? So now God is God and the backer of Abraham and Isaac and all the Jewish people everywhere. But God is also Allah and the backer of Ishmael and Mohammad and all Moslems everywhere also! So God is God's own worst enemy!
This whole thing kind of reminds me of Genies. You know how Genies like to give out wishes but then they twist the wish in such a way that you always have to use your last wish to negate all of the other wishes because everything turned out so bad? So God is like a Genie when he promises Abraham that all of his seeds will be blessed and they will become great nations. But Abraham can't wait to have a single seed with Sarah and he ends up making two seeds instead of one! Which means God has to now make two great nations out of the two different seeds! And two great nations never go great together like those Reese's commercials might make you think.