Amraphel, king of Shinar, and Arioch, king of Ellesar, and Chedorlaomer, king of Elam, and Tidal, king of nations, went to war with Bera, king of Sodom, and Birsha, king of Gomorrah, and Shinab, king of Admah, and Shemeber, king of Zeboiim, and Zoar, king of Bela.
Bera and Birsha and Shinab and Shemeber and Zoar were all joined together in the vale of Siddim serving Chedorlaomer for 12 years.
In the 13th year, they rebelled.
In the 14th year, Chedorlaomer and Amraphel and Arioch and Tidal came forth and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim and the Zuzims in Ham and the Emims in Shaveh Kiriathaim.
They also smote the Horites in mount Seir and all the country of the Amalekites and the Amorites.
So Bera and Birsha and Shinab and Shemeber and Zoar joined battle with Amraphel and Arioch and Chedorlaomer and Tidal in the valley of siddim.
The vale was full of slime pits.
Bera and Birsha fled but fell. The rest scampered into the mountains.
All the goods and victuals of Sodom and Gomorrah were taken by the conquerors. Lot and his stuff were part of those victuals. Or goods.
Some cowardly tattletale tells Abram what happened to Lot.
Abram arms his 318 very young butlers and maids and pursues Chedorlaomer and Tidal and Arioch and Amraphel.
He and his servants smote them all and returned with Lot and all the goods and all the women and all the people.
How many times did you have to read this Chapter to figure out what was going on? Hopefully just once since I did all the work figuring out what was going on between all those kings.
Where did all of these kings come from? Nine kings in one valley and the surrounding area is a lot of kings! That was probably too many to keep track of which is why the author immediately killed them all off. But why did he suddenly bring them into the story in the first place? I guess he needed an antagonist or two or three to steal Lot so Abram could be a hero!
Why was Zoar so different that The Bible could never say, 'Zoar, king of Bela'? It always had to say, 'The king of Bela which is Zoar', or, 'the king of Bela (the same is Zoar)'. Was the author or translator just trying to be fancy?
Why did the kings rebel against Chedorlaomer? Why couldn't Chedorlaomer have an easier-to-spell name? What happened in the 13th year that suddenly changed? Do you think the Siddim Kings didn't want to acknowledge year 13 and wanted to skip right to 14? I bet they would have thought differently if they had known that in year 14 they were going to get their butts kicked and their asses stolen!
Why did it take a full year for Chedorlaomer to get to the valley of Siddim? If it takes you a year to reach the people who you're ruling over, maybe you should just let them rule themselves already.
What did the Rephaims and the Zuzims and the Emims and the Horites and the Amalekites and the Amorites do to Chedorlaomer? Why were they all smitten when it was the other guys who were rebelling? Were they just in the way? Perhaps I don't understand what people are called in each country? Maybe the Zuzims and the Emims and the other guys were what the people of Sodom and Gomorrah and Bela and Zeboiim and Admah were called. Although that would be silly! I'm pretty sure those guys were called Sodomaters and Gomorrians and Belarchucks and Zeboiimites and Admahrtians.
What is a slime pit? Why was the vale full of them? And why is it suddenly important in the middle of this war history? Did the slime pits somehow help turn the tide of battle? Was it the slime pits that scared off the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah and made them flee from battle?
If you were going to war to save your nephew (who The Bible is currently calling your brother), would you arm your servants and march off with them? Even 318 butlers and shepherds probably aren't going to be much of a match against a king's army. I guess you have to believe God empowered them or something.
I wonder if Abram had any French Maids in his unit? Maybe he had his unit in some French Maids! Ha ha!
The Bible says all of the servants who go forth with Abram were born in Abram's house. Didn't Abram live in a tent? And how old could they possibly be if they were born in his house? Eight? Nine? Unless they meant Pharaoh's garage which Abram was living over for awhile.
Abram defeats Chedorlaomer and all of his allies and rescues Lot and all of Lot's possessions. Do you think it's because Chedorlaomer and all of his allies were tired and napping from their previous war and the year long march to get there? Or do you think it had something to do with the slime pits?
FAITH vs SCIENCE
That last Faith vs Science Winner section got a little out of hand. That's a fact!
Speaking of Canadians, the phrase, 'That's a fact!', was thought up by a red headed Canadian girl in a park who ran really fast and jumpy and was friends with some guys named Scott, Kevin, Bruce, Dave and the other one.
If this Chapter were expanded upon and a lot of detail added and maybe if you threw in an elf or two, you'd have The Lord of the Rings! Oh, you'd have to add a ring too!
Some other Canadians of note: Rush, Boo Boo Kitty, Commander Periwinkle, Fox Mulder, Napoleon Dynamite and Mr. Roboto.
In Biblical Times, war was waged with magic daggers and lightning bolts. If you could get the giant, walking trees to fight on your side, you'd usually win. Unless someone trumped the trees with dead soldiers and giant elephants. Although, those could be beat by using dragons! And the only way to beat a dragon is with a virgin!
Lot sure is a troublemaker. Abram probably would have been better off
leaving him in Chedorlaomer's hands. Explain why Chedorlaomer wanted to take
Lot and why Abram cared about saving him. You might have to pretend that Lot
is somehow interesting.
Draw what you think one of Abram's soldiers looked like. Include his uniform and feather duster!
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?
With God on your side, you can
win any war, so why bother with negotiations?
KNOW THY ENEMY
This Chapter shows exactly how important it is to know your enemy! If you didn't know the names of your enemies and the names of your enemies' peoples, you wouldn't know that you were supposed to defeat them in battle. And then you might start accidentally defeating your allies and your allies' people!
And just look at those crazy names in this Chapter! You'd really have to study hard to remember who was on whose side! Third base! Ha ha!