There is a grievous famine in the land.
Abram sojourns to Egypt.
Abram tells his wife Sarai she is fair to look at. Such a charmer!
Abram says the Egyptians will look at Sarai and say, 'She is his wife!' and they will kill Abram.
Abram tells Sarai to say instead that she is his sister and he will be spared.
The Egyptians do think Sarai is very fair!
Sarai is taken into Pharaoh's house.
Abram is also brought into Pharaoh's house and given sheep and oxen and asses and manservants and maidservants.
Sarai also gets asses and camels.
The Lord plagues Pharaoh with many great and vague plagues.
Pharaoh whines at Abram and wonders why he played such a trick on him.
Pharaoh asks why Abram said his wife was his sister and why didn't he speak up during the part of the wedding ceremony where they tell you to do so or forever hold your peas.
Pharaoh tells Abram to take his wife, please! Oh, and leave too!
Abram and Sarai are shown the door by Pharaoh's soldiers. One of them probably said, "Don't let the door hit your asses on the way out!"
Is Abram stereotyping Egyptians? Does he believe, like your grandfather, that all black people kill white men and steal their white women? Is Abram even white? Why aren't Jews called by a specific color? How are we supposed to know where they fit in to the rainbow of mankind? Are they the green or the purple everyone adds for some reason because if you said, "I don't care if your skin is black or brown or red or yellow or white...." without adding the green or purple or orange, I guess you sound racist.
Would Pharaoh have left Sarai alone if she were fat and ugly? What about all the souls Abram had gathered? Weren't any of them fair to look upon? Maybe that's why Lot leaves in the next section; so he can go find a hot to trot pillar of salt.
Could Abram have thought of a dumber plan? If he thought the Egyptians were going to kill him and take his wife, why did he even go there? Was the famine really that bad? The Canaanites and the Perizzites somehow made it through just fine! Maybe it was a good plan. The next time you enter a hostile country with your wife, remember to tell them that she is actually your sister and you'll live like a king! Or at the very least, a pharaoh's brother-in-law!
How many times do you think Pharaoh knew Sarai before God got angry? We learned earlier that she was impotent (or whatever the word is for a woman who can't have sex in the correct way to make a child), so she probably had a really good time.
Abram says the Egyptians will claim Sarai is his wife and kill him. So he tells Sarai to claim she's his sister. But in the end, Pharaoh wonders why Abram told him Sarai was his sister. Did the Egyptians even care? Sure, they thought she was fair and told Pharaoh about her. Maybe Pharaoh would have left her alone if he'd known she was married! Is Abram a paranoid control freak? Is he a giant coward? Was he wrong about the Egyptians loving rape and murder? Did he think Sarai couldn't be trusted with such a simple plan as saying she was his sister?
How come Sarai gets camels and Abram doesn't?
Were you surprised that The Bible was full of swear words like 'asses'?
What kind of plagues does God deliver unto Pharaoh? Why doesn't The Bible tell us? Is it because God only has a few plagues up his sleeve and the writers didn't want to ruin the big Moses moment by showing the plagues too early? Maybe it's like in a horror movie when you never really get to see the monster until about 40 minutes in or else you wouldn't be afraid of it by the end of the movie. Unless there is a different reason for that, like the budget of the film.
How did Pharaoh know what was causing the plagues? Was one of them an anonymous note passed to him that said, "I heard you're nailing God's Chosen's lady. You better get up off that right now! Signed, God. P.S. My chosen dude is Abram and Sarai is not his sister, if you get my meaning."
Doesn't Pharaoh sound like a little girl when he figures out Abram's scheme? Why did you do this to me? Wah wah wah! Dude, you were boning his lady!
Why didn't Pharaoh kill Abram for tricking him like that? Shouldn't Abram be afraid of retaliation? Is Pharaoh really scared of the Hebrew God? I think there might be some bias in The Bible. I bet Pharaoh really said, "You taciturn slutrelle! Vie thee hence from my dwelling, which is a fantastic pyramid, and bring your yonder brother who apparently art also thinen husband so that I mayest killenst him! I fearest not your God since I have many, many better Gods with animal heads to back me up! Owl eye snake snake owl hand scarab!" And then Sarai went "Whoop whoop whoop whoop!" as she ran crazily down the steps of the pyramid and grabbed Abram's hand and dragged him out of Egypt with her.
The Bible says Abram and Sarai leave with all of their stuff. Why do you think that is? Why would Pharaoh let them have all of that stuff after lying to him and getting him plagued up? Doesn't that make Sarai a prostitute and Abram her pimp?
Has the joke, "Take my wife, please", ever been funny? Is that even a joke? Did that sad violin player steal the joke from Pharaoh?
FAITH vs SCIENCE
Not all grandfathers are racist. Some grandfathers who like to fish with their grandsons have been known to teach them about prejudice and jews. Even if that grandfather was Mormon and the commercial doesn't actually hold up when you look a little closer at what Mormons actually believe.
That last statement might have been a little more biased than historical since I really don't have any idea what Mormons believe. I think it has something to do with colonizing the edges of the civilized solar system while avoiding being killed by giant Space Bugs.
"Who broke my window?"
"My teacher told me I should never
tell a lie."
These messages brought to you by ladder climbing saints of the book of Mormon and Jesus Christ.
Mormons can't be too bad if they taught me so much about truth and honor though paid advertisements for their religion.
What do you think this story is actually trying to teach us? Not to lie to
Pharaoh? Not to sell out your wife for your own safety? That God doesn't care
what you do; he'll still punish your enemies and let you go safely with your
newly owned manservants? That God will punish you for marrying a chick who was
already married even if you had no way of knowing she was married? Seems par
for the course, doesn't it?
Draw a picture of Sarai's ass and her camel too!
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?
If you want to lie and bring
down the wrath of God on an innocent person, it's okay because God will back
you up and make you rich.
KNOW THY ENEMY
This story isn't so much full of holes as it is lacking in details. To someone who wants to criticize The Bible, it might sound unfair that Pharaoh gets punished for doing something he had no idea he was doing. But we're never actually given the reason for the Lord plaguing Pharaoh. The King James Bible says, "And the Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife." Now, we can determine that that sentence doesn't mean she was at fault but that she was the cause of the plagues. Perhaps it was because she prayed to the Lord to do something about this awful situation. Perhaps it was because she was enjoying herself too much! Or maybe it was because Pharaoh put it in her pooper! That's good enough for God to destroy a bunch of houses!