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 PART NINE
Descendants of Noah's Sons, Genesis 10:1 - 10:32.

THE FACTS!

Japheth's sons were named Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras.

Gomer's sons were named Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah.

Javan's sons were named Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.

These guys divided up some islands and became Gentiles.

Ham's sons were named Cush, Mizraim, Phut, and Canaan.

Cush's sons were named Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, and Sabtecha.

Raamah's sons were named Sheba and Dedan.

Cush beshat Nimrod. Hee hee!

Nimrod began to be mighty!

Nimrod was such a mighty hunter before the Lord that it was said even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the Lord.

Nimrod's kingdom began at Babel and Erech and Accad and Calneh in the land of Shinar. He headed out to Ashur and builded Nineveh and Calah and Resen between those first two.

Resen is a great city.

Mizraim beshat Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, Naphtuhim, Pathrusim, Casluhim (who beshat Philistim) and Caphtorim.

Canaan beshat Sidon and Heth.

Canaan also beshat all of the Jebusites and the Amorites and the Girgasites and the Hivites and the Arkites and the Sinites and the Arvadites and the Zemarites and the Hamathites.

All the families of Canaan were spread abroad. Amirite?

The Canaanite border was from Sidon to Gerar and onto Gaza and unto Sodom and Gomorrah and Admah and Zeboim. Heck, even unto Lasha!

Even Shem had kids! Surprise!

Shem's sons were named Elam, Asshur, Arphaxad, Lud, and Aram.

Aram's sons were named Uz, Hul, Gether, and Mash.

Arphaxad beshat Salah.

Salah beshat Eber.

Eber beshat Peleg and Joktan.

Joktan beshat Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Sheba, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab. Sheesh!

Shem's families dwelled from Mesha as thou goest unto Sephar.

These were the nations that divided the earth after the flood.

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Which brother gave their sons the dumbest names? Which is your favorite? I think it's hard to choose between Cush, Nimrod, Gomer, or Arphaxad. Oh wait! Diklah!

Don't you think the name Mash is also funny?

Who were your favorites? Trapper John or BJ Honeycutt? Colonel Potter or Hello Larry? Burns or Winchester? Hot Lips or Klinger?

Why did Nimrod get a slight bio over all of the other children? Will he be important later?

If I said, 'He was so good at football, they said he was good at football,' would you think I was a moron?

How did Noah's descendants overspread the entire earth when only sons were born? I am pretty sure the birds and the birds doesn't produce any eggs. You need the bees too!

Did you like how one of Shem's sons was named Jobab? I bet his descendents settled in Arkansas!

What happened to Noah's Curse? Ham seems to be doing just fine in this Stanza. I mean, Canaan.

Don't Canaan's kids sound like villains from Sailor Moon?

Which Sailor Scout did you like best? I could never choose between Mars and Jupiter. Rowr! Eeep! I just scared the fish-half of me!

Peleg was named because the earth was divided when he was born. The Bible doesn't make any more of this. How was it divided? Did the brothers have a fight and put a line down the middle separating the Gentiles from the Canaanites from whoever Shem's people were? The Jews, I guess!

Why does The Bible seem so surprised that even Shem has children? It says, 'even to him were children born.' Why is children in italics? Did they expect him to father monkeys? Or was there something fishy about the way Shem enjoyed decorating that nobody ever talked about? It was his tent they were all supposed to live in.

When people call you a Nimrod, shouldn't that be a compliment? He built a big kingdom with lots of great cities like Nineveh and Resen and Rehoboth and Calah! It should mean you're a great city planner or architect or a mighty hunter before the Lord such that they call you a mighty hunter before the Lord!

When Sodom and Gomorrah were mentioned, did you get excited thinking we'd be reading some sexy passages soon? Me too!

HISTORICAL FACTS

The term 'Nimrod' really does mean hunter because of Noah's mighty descendant. But since Bugs Bunny used it in a derogatory fashion against Elmer Fudd, it's now a bad name! Bible: Zero. Pop Culture: Eleventy Billion!

Women in Biblical Times weren't given names; they were given nicknames! That's why Eve is only named after she got suckered in by the Python. Lamech's wives nicknames were Adah and Zillah because Lamech banged every chick from A to Z!

Rehoboth was not a planet of eternal snow where drunk vagrants learned not to drink.

Most Pokemon are named after Noah's descendants. Like Magog and Uz and Arphaxad and Jigglypuff and Dodanim and Kittim and Mewtwo and Riphath.

ESSAY ASSIGNMENT.
Choose one.

A. Why was the earth divided the way it was between Noah's sons? What were the far-reaching consequences of this?
B. List all of your relatives and how they're related. Make it as boring as possible.
C. Why are Chapters like this one important to a document like The Bible? I have a theory that it hypnotizes the reader and makes them more suggestive to whatever the Priests or Pharisees tell them. But that's my theory! You have to think up a different one even though it won't be as logical as mine.

DRAWING TIME!

Draw a picture of Rehoboth as it would look if it WAS a planet of eternal snow where drunk vagrants learned not to drink. Difficulty: No Hobos in Polar Bear Coats in Snowstorms.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

The theory of Pangaea is an acceptable scientific theory because of the line about Peleg being named Peleg because the earth was divided at the time of his birth.

KNOW THY ENEMY

Lots of Atheists think they know The Bible so well that they can argue with Christians about it and try to trick the Christians into some sort of illogical argument. Which isn't very different how Christians like to argue with Atheists and try to trick the Atheists into admitting that people can be Good and Evil and if you believe in Evil than you must believe in God or something. I forget how the stupid trick argument goes but it's actually pretty dumb. Just like when Atheists try to trick Christians! That's pretty dumb too.

But there is an easy way to know if the person talking about The Bible with you is actually interested in The Bible and not just interested in embarrassing you! Quiz them on the names of Noah's descendants! Not Atheist is going to waste his time remembering any of these people! And if you mention Nimrod, he'll just think you want to talk about Looney Tunes! When that happens, just end the argument before it starts by saying, "Look. I have Faith and you lack Faith, so we'll never come to any agreement. No go sacrifice a kitten or something, you pagan!" Be sure to point out how they 'lack Faith' because it leaves you feeling as if you won the argument and maybe they'll feel like they're incomplete!