CHAPTER THIRTY NINE
Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel, Genesis 29:15 - 29:30.


THE FACTS!

Laban says, "Gosh! I expect you want me to pay you?"

Laban has two daughters. The oldest is named Leah and the youngest is named Rachel.

Leah is tender eyed.

Rachel is beautiful and well-endowed.

Jacob negotiates a horrible contract. "I will therve thee for theven yearth for your younger daughter Rachel."

Laban tries to not look too excited about getting a servant for seven years while finding a way to get rid of his dumb daughters and says, "Sweet! I was going to give her to you anyway since all the other guys around here are big jerks."

Jacob serves seven years.

Jacob's seven years seem like a few days because he is in love.

After the seven years are up, Jacob can hardly stand it anymore and says to Laban, "Give me my wife tho that I can do her!"

Laban gathers the men together for a feast.

Laban brings Leah to Jacob's wedding bed and Jacob is so ready to explode that he doesn't notice it isn't Rachel.

Laban bribes Leah with a maid named Zilpah instead of a Mercedes.

In the morning, Jacob turns over, sees the tender eyed Leah lying next to him and vomits.

Jacob yells at Laban, "What ith thith ye have done to me? Did we not have a contract? Did you not jutht thcrew me on our deal? Why wouldtht thou tricketht me tho?"

Laban says, "In my country, the older daughter must be married before the younger daughter. What, you didn't know that? Relax for the next week while having sex with Leah and then you can start in on another seven years to earn Rachel!"

After Jacob and Leah have sex for a week, Jacob marries Rachel.

Rachel gets a maid named Bilhah.

Jacob does it with Rachel.

Jacob serves Laban another seven years.

 

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Why does Laban immediately assume that Jacob is there to work for him? Is that why he was so happy to see him? And isn't it kind of him to offer Jacob a wage instead of just forcing him into slavery?

Is 'tender eyed' a Biblical euphemism for retarded? I'm pretty certain it is. Am I the first person to realize this? It's definitely some kind of euphemism for 'nobody wants to marry that chick!'

Is 'well favoured' a Biblical euphemism for having a gigantic bosom? I'm pretty sure it is since Jacob is willing to work for seven years to get her hand in marriage. He'd probably only work for two or three years if she were flat-chested.

How old must Rachel have been for Jacob to wait seven years to marry her? Did he fall in love with a twelve year old?

Is Jacob the dumbest guy in The Bible? How do you get tricked into marrying the wrong girl? I guess the phrase 'made a feast' actually means 'got Jacob stupid drunk' or 'strunk' if you're cool. Do all the men who get drunk in The Bible always do something stupid, like pass out naked in front of their sons or have sex with their daughters or marry the wrong woman? You'd think that would be a lesson from The Bible! Drinking causes you to sin!

Is Jacob the worst negotiator in The Bible? So Laban declares the elder daughter must be married off first. But why would Jacob work another seven years to marry the daughter he was originally promised? He should have called Shenanigans. Leah should have been, at most, a bonus! Was Rachel really worth working for Laban for 14 years? I guess we'll soon see!

Were the handmaids Zilpah and Bilhah sisters? They sound like two of the Dwarves who journeyed with Bilbo Baggins.

Isn't that nice how The Bible clearly states that Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah? Like we needed to be told that. How classy, The Bible! Poor, stupid, tender eyed and unloved Leah.

Why do so many people in The Bible resort to trickery? Doesn't anybody know anything about honesty? Does Jesus invent honesty? Just like Methuselah is known for being old, who in The Bible is known for being exceedingly honest? Anybody?

 

FAITH vs SCIENCE
Marrying Sisters

Science
Nobody even needs science to be told that marrying two sisters is a really stupid idea. Even if they somehow got along well enough that they never became jealous, they'd still probably never want to do you at the same time. Why would two sisters want to get all sexy with each other? I mean, if they weren't being paid, that is. And most likely, they won't get along at all because women don't like guys paying more attention to other women. So some woman is going to be really upset. Unless that woman is retarded, I guess. Maybe that would work out okay. Oops, I meant 'tender eyed'.
Faith
Unless some major drama happens in the next few Chapters, you know The Bible was made up because Leah and Rachel go along with this whole marrying the same guy thing! Maybe I'm looking at the story with too modern eyes. Two too modern eyes, even! Women in Biblical times didn't have any say or power or anything, so they had to do whatever their father told them to do. Although once they were married, we've seen they have a lot of power to make their husbands miserable! Good for you, women! Way to stick it to the man!
The Winner: FAITH!
Call me old-fashioned, but I sure would like to see a guy do it to two sisters, especially when one of them is 'tender eyed'. Oops, maybe I meant 'perverted' and not 'old-fashioned'.

 

 

HISTORICAL FACTS

Chris Burke was the tender eyed star of the television show, Life Goes On. In one episode, Corky burned down the family's restaurant because he tried to put out a grease fire with his face.

Luke Zimmerman is the tender eyed star of the show, The Secret Life of the American Teenager. In one episode, there is chocolate cake. I bet it is a good episode because cake is awesome! Cake is so awesome that I almost spelled 'because' 'becake'! I've never seen the show so I don't know what happened with the cake. I bet Luke Zimmerman tripped and it fell on the floor before he could catch it. Or maybe he caught it just when you thought it was going to be ruined but then somebody opened the door into him and it smashed up in his face! Or possibly he had sex with it.

Everyone who was offended by Simple Jack (the fake movie where Ben Stiller's character in Tropic Thunder played a tender eyed yokel) is tender eyed themselves! How can you not laugh at that movie. He's chasing a butterfly with a hammer! You can't catch a butterfly with a hammer! Silly tender eyed Jack!

Jacob loved Rachel more than he loved Leah because Rachel was younger and more beautiful and had bigger breasts and weighed less and smelled better and all of the other reasons that women would like to blame on the media but should be blaming on the fact that men just like women better if they're all those ways that the media portrays them.

The name 'Leah' in Hebrew means 'drained' or 'finished' or 'well-used'. Why would you name your baby girl that?!

 

ESSAY ASSIGNMENT.
Choose one.

A. What do you think Leah and Rachel thought of their father's deception? Did Leah want to marry Jacob? Was Rachel upset that her sister got to marry her man also? Who are these people who marry their cousins and give both of their daughters to the same man to wed? Did The Bible take place in West Virginia?
B.
If you're from West Virginia, are you tired of hearing inbreeding jokes? Do you have all of your teeth? Can you play the banjo? Tell me all about yourself!
C.
Why is West Virginia the place everyone thinks of when they think of hillbillies and country bumpkins and marryin' kinfolk and backwards everythings?

 

DRAWING TIME!

Draw someone who is 'tender eyed'.

 

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

If you work hard and obey God, you can have two wives.

KNOW THY ENEMY

Who thought up the idea that Church and State should be separate? If the State were like The Bible, then we could go around marrying as many women as we want! And still have concubines too! Which means doing it to lots and lots of different women all at the same time! Also, as you'll learn later, you can hire prostitutes by giving them goats! How is that not an awesome idea?! As a Holy Book for people who seem way to prudish to believe, The Bible is actually full of really good ideas about how to have sex a lot! And it encourages it all the time what with The Lord saying, "Be fruitful and Multiply" every other page! So, the State is the enemy because it won't let us have as much sex as The Bible actually wants us to have. But then, the Church is the enemy too because, for some reason, the Church isn't paying very close attention to The Bible and has become mixed up about how much sex The Bible wants you to have. Hint: it's a lot! And the Church thinks it should be very little to none!